Day 08 – A picture that makes you laugh.

It's just amazing :-p

My year in pictures

Sort of break from the long 30 pic list, but here is a picture for every month of this past year!

The day we got married :) January
Our first Valentine's Day! February

Matt's bday! (around) March
Partying Easter weekend with the sis and cousins :) April

Wine tour at Adams County Winery! May

Corinne got married :) June

I moved to NC to be with the hubs! Our house! July

I got to visit Oliver (and Dot and Dave and Julia)! August

Freedom walk with CW . Still thinking of you Chrissy ♥ September

Officially obsessed with Scentsy. October

Officers' Ball! November

Matty gets 1st Lieutenant :)

Day 07 – A picture of your most treasured item.

This is tough. I'm not big on material things. So I guess it would have to be my wedding band (which will have an "engagement ring" with it soon!!!). It was Matt's late grandmother, so it was so nice that his mom gave it to me!

Day 06 – A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.

This one is childish and easy. The first thought that came to my mind!

Day 05 – A picture of your favorite memory.

This is a tough one. It's a tossup between getting married and my time in Australia. So here are pics from both :)

Can you see what's in the tree? :)
I love this man SO much.

Day 04 – A picture of your night.

Ummm, which night? It's not night yet. So here's a picture from yesterday evening I guess...

It's from two nights ago. Nothing from last night. But drinking and watching movies was fun :-p

Day 03 – A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Seriously, I have to choose just one???

I'm for the show Matt and I are SO excited to have the next season come next week!!!

Greek :)

Day 02 – A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.

This one is tough. There are so many people to choose from! But I decided to go with Brenner. I miss her SO much, and miss our bus trips and Happy Hours!

Day 1 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

1. I love to cook. I'm still learning a lot, and I HATE cleanup, but I love making tasty things!

2. I have to work with impulses. It sometimes sucks and I spend too much, BUT it keeps me from being a packrat since I'll impulsively get rid of things!

3. I can spend hours listening to the Country station on Music Choice and crocheting. In fact I did that when Matt was in Fort Pickett!

4. I'm obsessed with my cats (hey, they didn't have to be UNKNOWN facts...). They're so sweet and know just what to do to make me smile.

5. I don't know what my hair color is. It used to be sort of blonde, sort of brown. Now it's leaning more towards just light brown. I want my natural blonde highlights back!

6. My husband completes me. That is all.

7. I finally have stopped the awful habit of biting and picking my nails off! It's wonderful, but weird to have to use nail clippers. :-p

8. I'm SO excited for Christmas tomorrow!!!!

9. I can't wait for Jenn to be here for six weeks. I'm ready for some much needed Jenn and wine time :)

10. I want a job. And soon. I'm getting bored.

11. I love all the friends I've made in the past six months. So far this USMC lifestyle has been a wonderful whirlwind!

12. I have a strange phobia over seizures. I don't get them, but I'm terrified that I'll randomly have one or that someone will have one on or near me (yes, both of those concerning other people HAVE happened in the past).

13. My favorite colors are brown, green, and blue. Guess it's the hippie in me!

14. I love getting presents for people more than receiving them.

15. I'm a wino. As you can see from the picture :-p

A new 30 Day Challenge!

Here it is :)

Day 01 – A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 – A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 – A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 – A picture of your night.
Day 05 – A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 – A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 – A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 – A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 – A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 – A picture of the person you do the most jacked up things with.
Day 11 – A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 – A picture of something you love.
Day 13 – A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 – A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 – A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 – A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 – A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 – A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 – A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 – A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.
Day 21 – A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 – A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 – A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 – A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 – A picture of your day.
Day 26 – A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 – A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 – A picture of something you’re afraid of.
Day 29 – A picture that can always make you smile.

Day 30 – A picture of someone you miss.

I am so proud...

Of two things.

First, that my husband understands if I keep secrets from him. He's so easy about it, knowing I'll tell him what I need to and allowing us to both have things people can tell us that we won't tell the other.

Second, that people trust me. It is seriously SUCH an honor to know that people can come to me, tell them whatever they want, and know that it won't go anywhere. Whenever someone comes to me with something, first it's all about them, but also I really do feel proud that we can talk and they know there is trust there.

I've found that it can be hard to really trust someone. Especially with the "well they told me not to tell but I'll just tell you and you can't tell anyone." HELLO that's telling someone!!!

But yes, just the random thought that I'm so happy that people know it can stay with me. And that Matt doesn't even have to know and that I will help them through whatever as much as I can :)

I ♥ my life

A few questions survey

Thanks, Molly :)

1. Are you a night owl or an early bird?
Right now? Neither. I'm constantly tired. MORE of an early bird than a night owl though.

2. What makes you jealous?
People who don't have to suffer at all. Yea, it can teach life lesson, but those that are grateful for what they hvae and don't need pain to learn it... I want that!

3. Have you started Christmas/holiday shopping yet? When will you finish? (There’s only 63 days left!)
Yep! And who knows when I''ll finish.

4. What would you have a personal chef make you tonight?
Sushi. Every day. Every. Single. Day.

5. Where was your first kiss?
Physics lounge of the new Science Center at Exeter. That guy had me slobbered on ALL over my face. Nasty!

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I want my anxiety to go away. Part of me loves that I'm a worrier, since it shows how much I care for those I care about. But I take it to the extremes. And I'm so sick of that. I don't want to live in a constant panic that something is going to happen somewhere to someone. Because it will. And worrying won't stop it, or let me know who what where it will happen. Boo.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I'd have a baby! I'd be excited, although at this point if I got pregnant, I'd be having the baby without Matt here, so that would be scary. But I'd still be excited :-p

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I can't say life???? Haha the only thing that would be more perfect about it would be the war called off and me having a part time job that could fit all my extra volunteer stuff too.

I LOVE how many people I'm meeting! I love the connections I'm able to make with people. The afghan I'm making. The smiles I'm sharing. The volunteering and connecting with the Battalion. Wow, I didn't say my absolutely amazing husband first??? Shocking, I know :-p But hey, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here at Camp Lejeune. I'd be in DC working the same desk job with yes, amazing people, but a dead end job nonetheless. He's led me to so many more opportunities. Haha fewer JOB opportunities, but more opportunities in LIFE! And I love it :) So yes. Life is the best thing going for me right now :)

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Sort of. I became SUPER depressed sophomore year at Gettysburg. To the point where I didn't care. I didn't want to end my life, but I probably wouldn't have cared if I got hit by a bus, that sort of thing. It was terrifying. I knew I shouldn't feel that way. Turns out it was the pill. Add to that an asshole boyfriend who was pledging a frat, and it was a BAD mix. I'm so glad I'm out of that part of my life. I still have anxiety like crazy, but it's so much more in control and I'm HAPPY!

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Skipping the above. It bores me. But the reason I'm still alive today is because of common sense, I believe. I was raised with a lot of it! I can't really think of anything else, since I haven't been suicidal at all, so there's nothing that saved me from that.

I'm sure glad I'm here, let me tell you :)

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Done an entire year in Australia. That would have been amaaaazing! I miss that place so much. Otherwise, I wish I had been smarted with my money in college. Getting out of that debt was no fun, and it means now that it'll take longer to get out of the student loan debt. Boo.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I had never started smoking. That it my only true regret. I'm past three months quit and still struggling every day to not go buy a pack!

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Holy crap I missed a few days! No catch up, just skipping that time, pretending it didn't happen :)

So yes. If my best friend got into a car accident and we had just fought, I still wouldn't invite that bitch to my birthday party!

Give me a break. I hope I'd be the first person she'd call. If not, I'd be by her side the second I could. Fights are meant to get over!

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Hmmm. I think it depends on the drug and then the person who is using it. And that only goes for the lighter drugs. Cocaine, heroine, ecstasy, etc. are HUGE no-nos. They're just too addictive and mess with you WAY too much.

Pot? I've seen people use it just fine and be normal, and I have the ex who used it to escape constantly.

Alcohol? The same thing. The ex became verbally abusive, I know other mean drunks, but drinking and having fun and being pleasant is all good by me!

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Religion - It fascinates me. I don't have a strong faith in anything, although I believe that there is something up there. I love studying the different religions; I love seeing the differences and even more importantly, the similarities! It freaks me out but amazes me that cultish religions are able to start. I love it all!

Politics - Keep me away, please. It's too dirty.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Go for it. Yep. That's it.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Trumpet of the Swans.

Barely anyone has heard of it, but I thought the story of a trumpeter swan that is mute and learns to read and write to communicate with humans to be amazing! That was one of the things that started me off in thinking about the personalities of animals, and also me wanting a scenario like that to be true. :)

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

OMGGGGGGGGGG don't get me started on ignorant people. I can totally stand to live without people without common sense. It is ridiculous! That is all, although i could rage for hours.

And fake people. I could live without them too.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I've lived through everything being gone. So no, there is nothing, short of water, food, and air, that I can't live without.

In a broader cliche sense? The hubby for sure. I have to live without him for weeks at a time. Come next year it will be for more than half the year. It's so hard without him here. And yes, I survive. And yes, I have happy days. But everything is better when he's around. :)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Huh. I legit can't think of anyone. Maybe Lance Armstrong for being awesome and then turning against his family and dating Sheryl Crow. Just seems weird to me to leave the ones who supported you the most through the tough times. Otherwise, I have no idea right now. If I think of something, I'll come back to this!

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Peter, Paul, and Mary (RIP),

While I don't necessarily listen to your music DURING hard times, being brought up singing your wonderful folk songs, laughing hysterically to Paul's jokes and voices, watching your PBS specials... It has made a difference in my life. You taught me to use hammers and bells and songs to better my life, and to always look on the bright side of things.

And I do know that if I'm down, I can stick on the Campfire cds that I have and be cheerier right away.

So thank you. I think I owe you some of my sanity (if I have any, right???).

Love,

Emmers

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Huh. Well I guess even though I don't focus on the good things people say to me, I don't focus on what people DON'T say either, because I can't think of thing!

I don't get compliments on my nails I guess. Because they always suck :-p

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh, goodness. This is seriously tough, since I seem to warp compliments against myself. I guess people seem to compliment me the most on my energy; my optimism and smile. I think. Haha I think.

I guess people also say, "you're so skinny!" a lot, but ever since I was on the verge of being clinically underweight and still had anorexic chicks complimenting me on my body, I've hated that compliment. Why not say I fill out perfectly? That my body is in great shape???

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Negative. I've actually become really good at letting people go when need be. I keep the ones I should around me or in my heart, and the rest... well, buh-bye!

There are some annoying people I wish I didn't know. But for the most part, I'm actually really at peace with that part of my life!

I'll update this if I can think of someone though!

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Amy. Although I'm not sure we've drifted or if it's just because she's going through a year-long deployment now and we're both not at work bored. Who knows.

But she's the one who got me through so much! Our parallel relationships!

So I hope we drift back together soon!

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Oh we all know the answer to this one!

Doucehbag just contacted me the other day, almost exactly a year since everything ended, to "FYI" me that a random website that collects social media had a pic of him and me on it. Because "I'm sure you and your husband would be as grateful as I would to have it removed."

And just my maiden name.

And said I was 23. (aka NOTHING new since then)

And then pic was from my myspace that the account is deleted from.

Hehe the best comment made was from a friend who goes, "It's not like Matt doesn't know you have an ex!"

Guess what, Douchebag. KISS MY ASS AND DON'T SEARCH MY OLD NAME AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING SHIT!!!!

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Well nobody has ever made my life NOT worth living, but the person besides myself who has made it worth it?

Matt. Completely. 100%. That man makes me smile every single morning with his kisses before dawn and a simple "I love you". He's just... he's perfect for me :)

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Attend the funeral of my husband or future children. I don't know if I'd be able to handle losing them. And if it happens, I will be there, and I sure hope I have the strength that Chrissy has, but I don't want to. Matt and I want to go out Notebook style, holding each other when we pass!

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Hmmm, these are actually pretty tough.

There are so many things I hope to do. I hope to work with animals again. I hope to become a mom. I hope to have many many wonderful years with Matt.

Other random ones are hoping to go back to Australia at some point, swim with dolphins and manatees, run a 5k (haha you'd THINK that would be an easy goal :-p), etc.

But most of all. I just hope that whatever I do, I accomplish with a smile on my face! :)

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Hmmm.... this one is tough. i refuse to forgive Douchebag for all that he did to me, so he's out of the question...

I guess I have to forgive my parents a little bit. They did their best with all of us. We didn't go to Disney World or any other cool places because we went to private boarding high school. And yes, I appreciate it, but i still do find myself a little bitter sometimes that we didn't have that. And I do forgive them for the mistakes they have made over the years. It's tough sometimes to see where they were coming from, but I think I understand a bit more now.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Oooooh goodness.

I have to forgive myself for being stupid. For falling for lies. But above all, and this encompasses all of the above, for not loving myself enough to realize my self worth. I let someone walk all over me. Hell, during that time, I let a LOT of people walk all over me! I loved and gave all I had and was blindsided for some reason by the lack of anything coming back.

I am so glad that is no longer me. That now I'm able to only give as much as I can without getting any back. Then I step aside. If friends or lovers (well, not lovers anymore. Hubby is beyond amazing at loving me back equally if not more) want to give, I'll shower them. But not until. And I love that this ACTUALLY WORKED with two people! They were ubder standoffish with me at first, and now they're friendly, nice, and I love spreading the love. :)

But yes. Back to the point.

Emily, I forgive you for not treasuring your many values, your heart, and yourself. You have learned, and as long as you don't go back to that, I won't have to kick your ass! :)

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

My mix of sarcasm, cynicism, and pure optimism. It's a strange mix, and sometimes one thing is more prominent, but it means I can be realistic and hope for the best, joke around about it, all with a smile on my face!

Hell, I learned last week there is a chance that I might have PTSD from the douchebag ex, and after the initial shock (and even though I still think my PCM is wrong, and I'll find out when I make a Psych ppt), Matt and I were making jokes about it, laughing and knowing that even if I do, everything will be ok, and we will both still be happy. :)

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well, see two posts below! I really hate that I don't see myself as others seem to see me. Years of emotional abuse didn't help that!

I really want to rebuild my confidence and whatnot! I'm being way too hard on myself for gaining 15 pounds in the two months I've been here (Mal calls it marriage weight!), but I just can't seem to find the self esteem to love myself with this extra stuff on me! Is a flat stomach really THAT much to ask????

About me in 30 days

My goal is to do this, [stolen from Taryn and Becky] complete it and see how much I can actually be honest about myself in the next 30 days!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I don't see it

Maybe it was because of all those awkward years with the big glasses, braces, permanent part in my hair that wouldn't go away for anything, etc.

Maybe it was Douchebag never telling me I was beautiful unless he was trying to win me back, and me having to beg for ANY opinion if I sent him a picture.

But I have been told today that I am gorgeous, and also that I am "soooooo pretty!"

And I don't see it.

I don't think I'm hideous mind you. But what am I not seeing? Matt tells me all the time how beautiful I am. And I think the inside is. I love the inside. I love love love me. And I love my boobs (they are my joys in life, I feel blessed :)) But the rest of the outside? Don't see it.

Sigh, I wonder if this will EVER change???

Tears

What once was closed up has now been opened... flood gates that is. I go from being insecure about my body and finally crying to hubby about it to then crying in true, heart wrenching pain, for a friend who lost her love this morning in Afghanistan.

I don't know what to tell her other than I'm here for her. I wish she were close enough that I could hug her, cry with her, eat Oreos with her, whatever she wanted. I feel helpless to assist someone who feels a worse kind of helplessness. My heart just keeps breaking for her....

I can't stop thinking about losing hubby or just how my friend might feel. How can she breathe? How much anger for God much she feel? What can myself and all the many other loved ones of hers do to help her be at peace with what has happened???

Strange sidenote. I'm writing this at dusk on my porch and I saw these GIGANTIC moth creatures. Well... looking for closely at how fast their wings were moving and their gravitation to our flowers, I realized they were hummingbirds. Oh pretty, right? Well... yes.... and cool to hear the hum.

But I didn't realize they would come. We have these flowers that only bloom at night. And when the flowers are out they release the sweetest smell that radiated for from it. I always wondered... why at night? Well... looks like the powers that be had a reason.. it's for the hummingbirds.

Everything in life seems to have a reason. I hope we can all find the reason for this tragedy soon enough.

Chrissy, I love you. I hope the tears that I have shed will help lessen the amount you have to. You are in my prayers, and I don't think any of us are given obstacles we don't have the strength to overcome. May you find peace through this chaos...

25...

Well... here it is... the quarter century. The age I used to think was SUPER old when I was like 7. And now I'm it. 25 years old. ACK!!!!

Maybe this is why you're supposed to have things to do on your birthday. To distract you from the fact that another year has some and gone. But WOW, what an AMAZING year!!! (well, the last 11 months of it :-p) Here's a synopsis of events at 24 years old:

Aug 30th: Jacki visited and we had a FABULOUS time!!!

Sept 21st: My time with Douchebag ended. Thank GOD! Miserable couple of days, but so glad to get him out of my life.

Oct 2nd: I walked into the back bar at Nick's Nightclub and Matt stood up to give his seat to Ali. We started talking... then dancing.. then kissing, then I got a ride home from him :)

Oct 3rd: Watched my first Aggie football game. In a bar full of Aggies. And I STILL decided this guy was awesome!!! We spent the night together, him still in jeans because he of COURSE decide to not wear underwear that night (good job, baby!).

Oct 4th: We said our goodbyes, texted and talked while he got stop at Walmart for the field. Then spent the week with zero contact.

Oct 9th: Get the call, he's back from the field, hasn't forgotten about me, and said he thought of me while watching the stars on watch :)

Oct 11th: He was in NYC with Glen the whole weekend, and even though he got in around midnight, he drove up to spend the night with me! The "night" was three hours, mind you.

Oct 14th: We had the DTR and ex-talk... what a night! That was a "Em needs to control her drinking wine on an empty stomach" night. Buuut I remember the talks!!! Just nothing else!

Oct 16th: After me dealing with seeing hoards of douchey AXP brothers right when we first get in, Matt and I go facebook official :-p

Sometime in November: He proposed, while he was kneeling next to me, and we were watching something on my computer.

Jan 31st: We got married, the small ceremony. Big ceremony to come probably December 2011 or January 2012!

Jul 3rd: I finally moved down here, to begin spending the rest of my life with the most amazing man ever!

So yes, it's been a Matt-filled year, and I couldn't be more happy about it! He has made the last year of the first quarter century of my life absolutely amazing :)

So here's to hoping the years to come are just as amazing!!!

Why so emotional???

And luckily, MOST of it is good emotions. We'll start with the one bad thing.

So Hubby has been SUPER stressed the last couple of days before he went into the field, and since I couldn't solve it, it made me insecure that it was me, and then the one text I get in the field from him yesterday was, "Fun fact. The Leonnon's across the street are old friends from A&M." And that's it. No "I love you and miss you." Nothing. And I should be grateful for a text anyway, but I'm like, "HELLOOOOOO, I'm freaking out wondering what's wrong and if it really is me and I only get that?!?!!" Thank you, once again, Douchebag, for ruining my self esteem.

And end the bad emotion!

The good.

My cat is amazing. I'm scared she's getting fat, but seeing her play for legit an hour with her mouse until she lost it under the couch for the umpteenth time and I wouldn't get it for her makes me think she's active enough for her eating habits. And she's asleep in the window and it makes me smile every time I wake up and feel her weight against my legs. I never had a cat before that slept at night with me too much (although I think Izzy did when I was home in NH), so it makes me happy that she loves me so much she will!

I love my family. And I miss them. It was SO good to see some extended family yesterday down at Holden Beach. Not only that, but their friends from college and all the kids (seven total, all under thee age of 8) all made me feel so welcome and not like a stranger at all! I hope I can get to NYC to visit them at some point, and at the very least, I told them I'm going to be the depressed, lonely, husband deployed wife and visit them again next summer (which their daughter, Julia, is already talking about!)

I miss my immediate family too. I'm SOOOOO freaking excited to visit next week! Malorie is giving me a ride to and from the airport (yet another thing I'm awfully happy about, but we'll get to that next) and I'll get to meet my new nephew, Sam, see my parents new place, get a chicken finger sub with very little sauce and extra extra cheese from Supreme's or Romeo's, and try a new type of jello cake!!! I miss them lots, and I hope maybe I'll get to see the other sis too??? Either way, I'm so happy I was able to afford the round trip flight to see them before Christmas!

I love the USMC. Haha well sort of. They piss me off almost non-stop with changes in whatnot (a Marine's wife's motto is "Semper Gumby", meaning "Alway flexible", but at the same time, I have met SO many amazing women in the process already.

Caroline (hehe ANOTHER shoutout!) and Rachael in DC, Mal+Holly+Andrea+Amber+Audrey(soon!)+Tressa+Melissa+Colleen+Jade+Tammy+Tonya+

Maggie+Michelle+Karin+ more and more! Everyone is so friendly and understanding to anything, and everyone just seems to be so genuinely nice, it's awesome. It just makes me smile and tear up, thinking that there are people close should I really need them. And that just like she can do with me, I can text some and be like, "I need to hang out with someone. Commissary trip?" And boom, we're off to find something to cook or just a place to chat! I love it!

And last but not least, I love that I'm loving cooking more. I'm getting more excited to cook new things, try new things, and make things for the hubby. I'm embracing the housewifeness til I can find a job that isn't retail (although I'd do retail once he's deployed for sure) to it's fullest, and I absolutey love getting excited to put something delicious onto the table at night for a tired Lt!

Ok not last. I love Hubby. So freaking much. I randomly smile when I think of how happy I am to have found him. He has habits that make me scream and sigh and stomp, but one look into his deep grey/green/blue/dependsonetheday eyes, and I melt. And he knows a hug can make everything better. :) He knows just what I need almost every time, and goes out of his way (when the USMC allows it, of course) to fix anything or make me smile. And he thinks I'm cute constantly, which is nice too :)

Waiting for lunch, so time for a survey!

Thanks, Molly!

It's 2AM and you are not home. You are more than likely:
Complaining about how tired I am and how I wish I were home in bed!

What's the last thing you spent more than $100 on?
Bedroom set!

What do your bank checks look like?
The generic ones... for now, changing them soon I think!

Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?
Aeropostal.

Name something that will be on your Christmas wish list:
Ionic breeze! Ok probably not, that's a bit too pricey.... hmm, not sure!

What color is your toothbrush?
Purple and white.

Name something you collect and tell us about it.
Disney movies! Matt and I are going to try and get all of the animated classics :)

Last restaurant you ate at. Who were you with? How was it?
Well, this afternoon it'll be Olive Garden with CW girlies. Before that... ummm, somewhere with Matt?

Who was the last person you bought a birthday card for?
Daddy.

What is your worst bad habit?
Biting the skin on the sides of my fingers/nail. It just doesn't grow back right anymore so it's even HARDER to not bite or peel it off!

Name a magazine to which you subscribe?
MIL got me a subscription to Food Network Mag. :)

Your favorite pizza toppings?
Green peppers and hamburg. Or mushrooms. Or sausage. Or hawaiian. Haha it depends on my mood in the end! Lots of cheese it a MUST!

Whose number were you looking up the last time you used a phone book?
OMG I have no idea.

What is the last thing you cooked?
Mac n Cheese with tuna.

Name something you wouldn't want to buy used?
I'd say a bed but I actually did that and am just fine with it... I guess sheets and stuff. It took awhile to even be ok with using the sheets my parents used to use!

Which shoe do you put on first?
I THINK the left... or whichever shoe I pull off the ground first.

In what position do you fall asleep?
Normally my right side.

What is the last thing you remember losing?
Does my mind count? Yea I'm going with that, since it happens every morning before I put the patch on! Although I was much better today, very proud of myself. :)

What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
The futon I'd say.

Last thing you bought and ended up returning?
Need to return the dryer outlet cord.

What perfume/cologne do you wear? If none, why?
I don't wear it often, but I switch it up between a bunch of Gap scents (Grass is the best!), Ralph, Cool Water, Heavenly, some Avon one and some Estee Lauder one.

Your favorite board game?
Chutes and Ladders!!! Or Monopoly. And Apples to Apples is awesome too!

What was the last board game you played?
What Would You Do? ... I think...

Where did your vehicle come from?
MIL and FIL, Colorado.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Afternoon. I need loads of sleep to have any energy it seems, so I'm grumpy in the morning and exhausted at night. But the afternoon I'm ready and rearing to go!

You're sad, who can cheer you up easily?
Matt. A kiss and hug from him can always make me feel better! Or Caroline and her sarcastic comments. I kind of can't get enough!

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
Blue.

What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
Sweeping and mopping. Ugh I need to do that soon...

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
In a Chipotle burrito. Or chicken with wine!

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is?
Jello cake, since I don't like any others!

Letter to the ex

Never to send to him. Not for him to read. But perhaps to help me sort through things a little in my head, which has, actually, unfortunately, become a safe haven for emotions such as hurt and anger to hide, to be blanketed like a sick child in a down comforter with chicken noodle soup, orange popsicles, and their favorite show playing endlessly on the tv. It's like discovering halfway through the day that the child is not as sick as you thought. That the best remedy would be to be outside. Let the sun heal a little.

And if that makes any sense, then good on ya for understanding!!!!

So here it goes:

Dear Douchebag (that's right, you don't deserve the correct name usage):

There were many hurtful things that you did to me throughout our on and off 6 year relationship together. I was verbally berated when you were drinking. If I were upset about anything, even if it didn't have to do with you, I was "taking it out" on you, putting the blame on you, wanting you to fix things, and therefore a very weak person. You told me I shouldn't cry as much when you were the one causing the tears. You chose drugs and alcohol and frat brothers over me countless times. You never defended me when your "buddies" insulted me to the point of me tearing up. You defended those "buddies" if I insulting them, saying, "You insult one of my brothers, then you insult ME." You went on an on about how horrible a person your dad is, with his drinking problems, how he treated your mom, how he treats YOU; and then every day that passed I'd see more of the emotional abuser you portrayed him as in you. And one of the worst things was that you cheated on me. Twice. While I was abroad in Australia, staying true to you, defending you endlessly when the guys that wanted me said you had probably already cheated on me. "No, he's different than that," I would say over and over again. And you lied to me. My gut told me something was up. After I found the condoms in your loft when I got back from Oz. After you told me that it would be ok for me to make out with a guy at a bar in front of you. After, because of saying that, I asked if you had simply kissed anyone while I was abroad. The painful pause. How you seemed to have to spit out "No".

But that wasn't the worst. Yes, I'm still dealing with that pain. I still break down when a good friend tells me her husband is having an affair. I finally got some of the anger and hurt out that night when I called my husband, sobbing, wondering how people can do that to someone else, whether they are still in love with them or not. Whether alcohol was involved or not.

No. The worst is that you expected hunky dorey after. I told you it would take awhile to gain back trust. That I needed to see the changes; not just in fidelity, but also in your ability to control your emotions while drunk, deal with the emotional issues that you gave me, etc. I needed you to earn the trust back.

I regret very few things in life. One of those is telling you that I forgave you for the cheating. You took it as an easy out. As a, "Well she forgave me, so she must trust me." I TOLD you it would take awhile. Not just a few weeks. But months of knowing you think I'm beautiful [that ended the second we became official again]. Of having enough communication that you wouldn't flip if I asked who one of your friends was [I think I got an answer once without you thinking I was hounding you for answers and invading your privacy]. Of me being able to come to you when the hurt came back [Yea that one NEVER happened. It always turned into something about you, instead of something I was feeling].

You taught me how to keep my emotions inside.

My husband tells me every day I'm beautiful. Because of you, most days I am unable to even fathom it.

I'm reluctant to ask questions about hubby's life, because I'm still terrified that he'll have some sort of freak out. That it's normal to be sensitive and touchy when it comes to details that SHOULD be shared in an intimate relationship.

We went out for hubby's birthday, and I was in a panic attack the whole night, wondering what names I'd be called, how he'd verbally assault me when HE was drunk.

The one good thing? He's AMAZING with all of it. He didn't cause this pain on me. He knows that. I know that. And I know that he wouldn't do this to me. And it doesn't bother him to prove that every day to me.

I just hate that he has to do it more. Because of you. That he has to wake up to a phone call from me sobbing and dying for his touch and comfort and soothing words. Because of you. That he has to deal with a woman who shies away from the word beautiful. Because of you. That just wants all of this anger and hurt to go away, to be done with. because. of. you.

I hate that I wish you the worst. That I want you to be miserable. That even after the pitiful emails and voicemails you sent me, I know that was the third time I'd gotten things like that. That you don't really change. I hate that there is another woman out there who might have to go through what I went through if you decide to put your charm on her.

I hate that I can read an article at work, about how two people DID make things work, where

"Equally important was his willingness to apologize. 'I'm sorry' is a remarkably powerful phrase when it comes from the heart.

'You can just keep on saying that,' I told him. 'Over and over, whenever you feel it.' And he did."

And the floodgates get turned on. Knowing that you weren't really sorry. That you didn't keep saying it. That you never tried.

I'm just glad that I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Who will never have to be put in that position; but if he were, I wouldn't hear another phrase from him for weeks and weeks. (But he wouldn't. He knows that I learned from you that taking back someone who will do that to me is a bad idea for me.)

Wishing you the worst,

The woman that never will be yours ever again

And yea. No idea if that helped. But I hope it did. I just want the anger and hurt gone. There's SO much happiness in me now because of Hubby and friends. People have said they've never seen me smile so much and so sincerely (added that part in because I became good at smiling behind the pain... it DOES look different!). So why can't it just go away? What will it take? Just time? I feel like I need to cry it out, but it's like my mind keeps trying to protect me from feeling it. Ugh, that douchebag had me trained pretty well to try and hide my fears...

**Just continued to read the article (here) and this quote kind of stuck...

This kind of thing happened a lot: Some out-of-the-blue realization—some piece of the puzzle I'd somehow missed—would, out of nowhere, just stun me. Each time this happened, I went spiraling down into a three- or four-day depression. After a while, it occurred to me that maybe my mind was parceling out the pain, because I never could have handled it all at once.

Change

I love it. But hate it. Ugh it's the horrible back and forth constantly.

Here is the good and bad of change going through my head at the moment with moving in a little over two weeks:

Good:

- I get to be with my husband FINALLY. I can't wait til the only reason he doesn't fall asleep next to me is because he's in the field, and come May on that horrible D word.

- We're going to adopt a cat to keep me company when he's gone! I've missed having a pet soooooo much!

- I get to play housewife for a bit, and hopefully overcome my fear of cooking bad meals... which doesn't make sense because I'm actually really good at mixing things and how things taste (I make a killer homemade mac n cheese).

- I'll finally be staying somewhere for a bit. It was moving every year in college, 7ish months at my friend's parents' place, two years at an apartment, and since sept 26th at the house I'm at now. AND when we move again we can have the mover's do almost all of it!

- I'll be living in one of the most gorgeous states. I LOOOOOVE NC so much! And did I mention how close the beach is???

- Even though I won't have a job, I also won't be paying rent on a place, paying utilities, dealing with roommates that lose the checks so I wait and wait for hundreds of dollars over a couple months to come out of my checking account...

The bad:

- It's a change. And as much as I love it, I'm anxious about all the "what ifs" that come with moving and settling in.

- We are going to be down to one paycheck for a bit. And yes, we can survive definitely, but it's going to take a bit to figure out our spending budget.

- I'm going to have to drive everywhere. I've gotten so used to walking or metroing places!

- I'm scared for the job search again. I know it's not easy, and I'll be able to take my time getting something I really want (cross your fingers it involves animals!), but the uncertainty is going to kill me.

- The guys are already telling Matt that they should all just hang out at our house after work since we live on base. I won't mind doing it every once in awhile, but no way is our house going to be the 2nd LAR frat house!

- And yea. It's just the change. It's the packing up of boxes and EVERY TIME I close it up I find one freaking item that should have gone in there!

And that's about it. I'm definitely more excited than anything else, but the anxiety parts are coming in little brain freakout moments, it seems! I just can't wait to be down there and get settled. And go furniture shopping. And decorate. And yell at Matt for leaving something open or throwing laundry where it doesn't belong. I'm beyond excited to be with that man. :) ♥

Tired

And I really want to post about something I've been grateful for recently, but I'm too damned tired to get thoughts together well. So this is a friendly reminder to myself. To blog about what people are saying about me. Woot!

And on another random note, I love how a random quick less than one minute phone call from Matty when he's at work can make my entire afternoon just amazing. :) I love that man!

Jello Cake

Want to woo me over? Make me this! It's my faaaavorite cake. Always had it for every birthday! it's also good if you add blueberries and strawberries to the top :)


 Heat oven to 350 degrees
 Make a regular yellow cake mix.
 Put in greased and floured cookie sheet.
 Bake about 15 minutes at 350 degrees.
 Disolve 1 box of jello (regular or sugar free) with 1 cup of boiling water.
 Mix well.
 When done take out and poke full of holes with fork
 Spoon hot jello over cake.
 Cool and refrigerate till needed.
 Frost with cool whip when ready to use.

Is it me?

So the title DOES make sense, just not yet. Let's start with a few simple facts:


1. I consider myself agnostic. While I believe that there is SOMETHING powerful that created us somewhere, even if it was a god doing the Big Bang and being like, "Woohoo! Let's see what happens!" or that we were sort of always here, I don't necessarily follow any particular religion, even though I was raised Protestant.
2. To go with Number 1, I find that I no longer (and hterdaaven't for years now) been able to call myself a Christian. I do believe there was a Jesus back in the day. But whether he was divine or not is not something that I can determine, and I just don't have (and really never have had) the faith to make me believe that. Was Jesus one cool dude that helped a lot of people out and obviously gave faith? For sure!
3. I believe in fate. Sort of. I like calling it cause and effect. I would be fascinated to actually go back in time, redo things differently, and see if I COULD end up with the same results! But I don't really believe that could happen. I sort of believe that although we make choices, we make them for a reason (I follow intuition a lot) and that leads us to our fate.


And now more of the real story.


I went to my sister's ordination yesterday (yay Reverend Bethy!!!) and it was just amazing! Having a community there to celebrate this for Beth was actually really moving. Not only that, but one of the pastors spoke about Paul's letters (I think? This is how much I know of the Bible...). And about how everyone has a certain skill they are given for the common good. Her point in the message was that Beth, like Paul states, was one of the few that is given the gift of constant faith. While others wax and wane, she will be there for her community and for the common good to help keep things together in those times, to give out faith when others need it.
So that in itself started to make me tear up a little bit. And then of course, I start thinking hypothetically that if this God is true and Paul was right, I wonder what gift I was given. Empathy was one of my ideas. And then I just started wondering if it is the doubt. If that's something I've been given. I have always said that although I do not necessarily follow a single God (at least not a particular one that society deems credible), I still want to live my life the way any Bible or other noted Holy book tells you too. At least the basic rules. Love they neighbor, don't kill, etc. etc. I hold myself to high morals. But I've never had the faith that accompanies it. 
And maybe that's the way Fate intended it. Maybe there is an exact reason for how I think and feel. Maybe there is no "evil" putting these thoughts in my head or anything. 
I have no idea why I'm on the journey I am. Or if it will lead me anywhere. Or if my thoughts are right. But something hit. Hard. The song following the message was "Here I Am, Lord." Basically the refrain is a person asking what their job in life is and if they can have help along the way. 
Now I've always been one to get emotional to songs. But this song wasn't incredibly. Nice normal hymn harmony, regular organist playing. Nothing special. And it literally took everything in my to not completely break down and start sobbing. Like sobbing. I sang through my voice wavering, my eyes welling up with tears, and everything. My sister was standing with the rest of the clergy, my Mom and Dad were in the pew with me, my other sister and our "adopted" sister were in the pew in front of me. And I felt naked and alone, exposed to everything that I've been trying to find or just understand for so long.




And now I have no idea what to do with it. Not a clue. Was this just something that I needed to understand personally? Is this something that I should be sharing with someone somewhere?