Sunday, May 16, 2010

Is it me?

So the title DOES make sense, just not yet. Let's start with a few simple facts:

1. I consider myself agnostic. While I believe that there is SOMETHING powerful that created us somewhere, even if it was a god doing the Big Bang and being like, "Woohoo! Let's see what happens!" or that we were sort of always here, I don't necessarily follow any particular religion, even though I was raised Protestant.
2. To go with Number 1, I find that I no longer (and hterdaaven't for years now) been able to call myself a Christian. I do believe there was a Jesus back in the day. But whether he was divine or not is not something that I can determine, and I just don't have (and really never have had) the faith to make me believe that. Was Jesus one cool dude that helped a lot of people out and obviously gave faith? For sure!
3. I believe in fate. Sort of. I like calling it cause and effect. I would be fascinated to actually go back in time, redo things differently, and see if I COULD end up with the same results! But I don't really believe that could happen. I sort of believe that although we make choices, we make them for a reason (I follow intuition a lot) and that leads us to our fate.

And now more of the real story.

I went to my sister's ordination yesterday (yay Reverend Bethy!!!) and it was just amazing! Having a community there to celebrate this for Beth was actually really moving. Not only that, but one of the pastors spoke about Paul's letters (I think? This is how much I know of the Bible...). And about how everyone has a certain skill they are given for the common good. Her point in the message was that Beth, like Paul states, was one of the few that is given the gift of constant faith. While others wax and wane, she will be there for her community and for the common good to help keep things together in those times, to give out faith when others need it.
So that in itself started to make me tear up a little bit. And then of course, I start thinking hypothetically that if this God is true and Paul was right, I wonder what gift I was given. Empathy was one of my ideas. And then I just started wondering if it is the doubt. If that's something I've been given. I have always said that although I do not necessarily follow a single God (at least not a particular one that society deems credible), I still want to live my life the way any Bible or other noted Holy book tells you too. At least the basic rules. Love they neighbor, don't kill, etc. etc. I hold myself to high morals. But I've never had the faith that accompanies it. 
And maybe that's the way Fate intended it. Maybe there is an exact reason for how I think and feel. Maybe there is no "evil" putting these thoughts in my head or anything. 
I have no idea why I'm on the journey I am. Or if it will lead me anywhere. Or if my thoughts are right. But something hit. Hard. The song following the message was "Here I Am, Lord." Basically the refrain is a person asking what their job in life is and if they can have help along the way. 
Now I've always been one to get emotional to songs. But this song wasn't incredibly. Nice normal hymn harmony, regular organist playing. Nothing special. And it literally took everything in my to not completely break down and start sobbing. Like sobbing. I sang through my voice wavering, my eyes welling up with tears, and everything. My sister was standing with the rest of the clergy, my Mom and Dad were in the pew with me, my other sister and our "adopted" sister were in the pew in front of me. And I felt naked and alone, exposed to everything that I've been trying to find or just understand for so long.

And now I have no idea what to do with it. Not a clue. Was this just something that I needed to understand personally? Is this something that I should be sharing with someone somewhere?

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