Will the anger ever go away? The pain?
Everything else is gone. Every feeling of love, like, respect (not sure that was ever there anyway), etc. Even every memory if good times. I literally am unable to think of a single one.
But I can still hear how he would repeat phrases when he was drunk. How he'd accuse me of things. How he'd threaten to break up with me until I was sobbing uncontrollably and from that, how he "hated" that he had to go to such "extremes" to get me to "listen".
I hate hating things. I'm bad at it. I'd rather love. But I know that's not possible with him. Will I ever just forget?
So the last post was about the nightmare that I had earlier this week. Well, my mental response to that was to unblock him, see if I could see if he's still unhappy. Might be immature, might be cruel, although some say I'm going easy on him still, but I just want him to be unhappy for one full year. One year for the 6 years that he mentally fucked with my head and emotions. 6 years of losing every inch of what little self esteem I had. 6 years of apologizing for things that he did wrong. Just one year for that. So I unblock him on Facebook, see that, once again, I do the, "What the hell was I thinking?" to his Facebook profile. See what random comments, few and far between, he's written on mutual friends' walls. And there I see, that although things might be ok, he's still not great. And so I'm content.
But unfortunately, with FB, you have to wait 48 hours from when you unblock someone to when you can block them again. Mind you, I've done this many times before. Every time anger really gets to me, I end up doing it, even if it's not the healthiest way to cope. Anyway, I told myself that this was going to be the last time. I didn't want to do it again, I really need to just, I guess hope that he's unhappy until all memories of him are finally out of my head or at least settled. But yes, of course the last time I do it is when he notices. And gets upset about it. (Ok yes I AM happy he's upset about it, but still!) I feel like it should just be relief though, and it's not. I'm not happy that he's unhappy. In fact, I still feel just as much anger, if not more, for all the crap he put me through. I keep thinking "Good. I hope this is a decent mind-fuck for you. You messed with my mind for so long, here's a little something for you!"
When does all of this go away? :(