Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sometimes I wonder...

Will the anger ever go away? The pain?
Everything else is gone. Every feeling of love, like, respect (not sure that was ever there anyway), etc. Even every memory if good times. I literally am unable to think of a single one.

But I can still hear how he would repeat phrases when he was drunk. How he'd accuse me of things. How he'd threaten to break up with me until I was sobbing uncontrollably and from that, how he "hated" that he had to go to such "extremes" to get me to "listen".

I hate hating things. I'm bad at it. I'd rather love. But I know that's not possible with him. Will I ever just forget?
So the last post was about the nightmare that I had earlier this week. Well, my mental response to that was to unblock him, see if I could see if he's still unhappy. Might be immature, might be cruel, although some say I'm going easy on him still, but I just want him to be unhappy for one full year. One year for the 6 years that he mentally fucked with my head and emotions. 6 years of losing every inch of what little self esteem I had. 6 years of apologizing for things that he did wrong. Just one year for that. So I unblock him on Facebook, see that, once again, I do the, "What the hell was I thinking?" to his Facebook profile. See what random comments, few and far between, he's written on mutual friends' walls. And there I see, that although things might be ok, he's still not great. And so I'm content. 
But unfortunately, with FB, you have to wait 48 hours from when you unblock someone to when you can block them again. Mind you, I've done this many times before. Every time anger really gets to me, I end up doing it, even if it's not the healthiest way to cope. Anyway, I told myself that this was going to be the last time. I didn't want to do it again, I really need to just, I guess hope that he's unhappy until all memories of him are finally out of my head or at least settled. But yes, of course the last time I do it is when he notices. And gets upset about it. (Ok yes I AM happy he's upset about it, but still!) I feel like it should just be relief though, and it's not. I'm not happy that he's unhappy. In fact, I still feel just as much anger, if not more, for all the crap he put me through. I keep thinking "Good. I hope this is a decent mind-fuck for you. You messed with my mind for so long, here's a little something for you!"

When does all of this go away? :(


Caroline said...

It's been three years since I got out of mine and I struggle every day to balance the anger out with the letting it go. It's hard, but I totally get the need to see them suffer in return for at least a little of what they did to you. Be happy and focus on how amazing your life is now and what an incredible husband you have. You are so far above him and always will be and that is better than any Facebook stalking will give you! Love you.

Taryn said...

I only went through 4 years of a mind-fuck of my own ... but I think, honest to god, it'll all disappear when you finally decide to let it go.

i think you've probably been told this before, but I so get it. Luckily, my ex does not have social media (that I'm aware of) -- so I can't check up on him. But when he did? I was a MySpace stalker like no other.

Emmers said...

Yea, as of now I'm forcing myself to no longer "check up" on him! Yes, it made me happy to see that he's still miserable and to get a mind-fuck in. BUT. It's not longer my job. I'm a firm believer in Karma. I got my good karma less than two weeks after Douchebag and I ended (his name is Matt :)) So I just gotta let be what will be. The world will take care of everything in due time!

Emmers said...

hahahaha, my love horoscope for the day kind of works :-p

Much as you may feel extremely sorry for someone with whom you have recently shared a close relationship, the planetary alignment indicates that it could be time to say goodbye. You realize that although there was a certain depth of affection between you, somehow you were not ideally suited in other ways. Rather then both mourning your losses, why not celebrate your newfound freedom?