Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Huh. Well I guess even though I don't focus on the good things people say to me, I don't focus on what people DON'T say either, because I can't think of thing!

I don't get compliments on my nails I guess. Because they always suck :-p

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh, goodness. This is seriously tough, since I seem to warp compliments against myself. I guess people seem to compliment me the most on my energy; my optimism and smile. I think. Haha I think.

I guess people also say, "you're so skinny!" a lot, but ever since I was on the verge of being clinically underweight and still had anorexic chicks complimenting me on my body, I've hated that compliment. Why not say I fill out perfectly? That my body is in great shape???

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Negative. I've actually become really good at letting people go when need be. I keep the ones I should around me or in my heart, and the rest... well, buh-bye!

There are some annoying people I wish I didn't know. But for the most part, I'm actually really at peace with that part of my life!

I'll update this if I can think of someone though!

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Amy. Although I'm not sure we've drifted or if it's just because she's going through a year-long deployment now and we're both not at work bored. Who knows.

But she's the one who got me through so much! Our parallel relationships!

So I hope we drift back together soon!

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Oh we all know the answer to this one!

Doucehbag just contacted me the other day, almost exactly a year since everything ended, to "FYI" me that a random website that collects social media had a pic of him and me on it. Because "I'm sure you and your husband would be as grateful as I would to have it removed."

And just my maiden name.

And said I was 23. (aka NOTHING new since then)

And then pic was from my myspace that the account is deleted from.

Hehe the best comment made was from a friend who goes, "It's not like Matt doesn't know you have an ex!"

Guess what, Douchebag. KISS MY ASS AND DON'T SEARCH MY OLD NAME AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING SHIT!!!!

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Well nobody has ever made my life NOT worth living, but the person besides myself who has made it worth it?

Matt. Completely. 100%. That man makes me smile every single morning with his kisses before dawn and a simple "I love you". He's just... he's perfect for me :)

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Attend the funeral of my husband or future children. I don't know if I'd be able to handle losing them. And if it happens, I will be there, and I sure hope I have the strength that Chrissy has, but I don't want to. Matt and I want to go out Notebook style, holding each other when we pass!

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Hmmm, these are actually pretty tough.

There are so many things I hope to do. I hope to work with animals again. I hope to become a mom. I hope to have many many wonderful years with Matt.

Other random ones are hoping to go back to Australia at some point, swim with dolphins and manatees, run a 5k (haha you'd THINK that would be an easy goal :-p), etc.

But most of all. I just hope that whatever I do, I accomplish with a smile on my face! :)

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Hmmm.... this one is tough. i refuse to forgive Douchebag for all that he did to me, so he's out of the question...

I guess I have to forgive my parents a little bit. They did their best with all of us. We didn't go to Disney World or any other cool places because we went to private boarding high school. And yes, I appreciate it, but i still do find myself a little bitter sometimes that we didn't have that. And I do forgive them for the mistakes they have made over the years. It's tough sometimes to see where they were coming from, but I think I understand a bit more now.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Oooooh goodness.

I have to forgive myself for being stupid. For falling for lies. But above all, and this encompasses all of the above, for not loving myself enough to realize my self worth. I let someone walk all over me. Hell, during that time, I let a LOT of people walk all over me! I loved and gave all I had and was blindsided for some reason by the lack of anything coming back.

I am so glad that is no longer me. That now I'm able to only give as much as I can without getting any back. Then I step aside. If friends or lovers (well, not lovers anymore. Hubby is beyond amazing at loving me back equally if not more) want to give, I'll shower them. But not until. And I love that this ACTUALLY WORKED with two people! They were ubder standoffish with me at first, and now they're friendly, nice, and I love spreading the love. :)

But yes. Back to the point.

Emily, I forgive you for not treasuring your many values, your heart, and yourself. You have learned, and as long as you don't go back to that, I won't have to kick your ass! :)

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

My mix of sarcasm, cynicism, and pure optimism. It's a strange mix, and sometimes one thing is more prominent, but it means I can be realistic and hope for the best, joke around about it, all with a smile on my face!

Hell, I learned last week there is a chance that I might have PTSD from the douchebag ex, and after the initial shock (and even though I still think my PCM is wrong, and I'll find out when I make a Psych ppt), Matt and I were making jokes about it, laughing and knowing that even if I do, everything will be ok, and we will both still be happy. :)

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well, see two posts below! I really hate that I don't see myself as others seem to see me. Years of emotional abuse didn't help that!

I really want to rebuild my confidence and whatnot! I'm being way too hard on myself for gaining 15 pounds in the two months I've been here (Mal calls it marriage weight!), but I just can't seem to find the self esteem to love myself with this extra stuff on me! Is a flat stomach really THAT much to ask????

About me in 30 days

My goal is to do this, [stolen from Taryn and Becky] complete it and see how much I can actually be honest about myself in the next 30 days!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I don't see it

Maybe it was because of all those awkward years with the big glasses, braces, permanent part in my hair that wouldn't go away for anything, etc.

Maybe it was Douchebag never telling me I was beautiful unless he was trying to win me back, and me having to beg for ANY opinion if I sent him a picture.

But I have been told today that I am gorgeous, and also that I am "soooooo pretty!"

And I don't see it.

I don't think I'm hideous mind you. But what am I not seeing? Matt tells me all the time how beautiful I am. And I think the inside is. I love the inside. I love love love me. And I love my boobs (they are my joys in life, I feel blessed :)) But the rest of the outside? Don't see it.

Sigh, I wonder if this will EVER change???

Tears

What once was closed up has now been opened... flood gates that is. I go from being insecure about my body and finally crying to hubby about it to then crying in true, heart wrenching pain, for a friend who lost her love this morning in Afghanistan.

I don't know what to tell her other than I'm here for her. I wish she were close enough that I could hug her, cry with her, eat Oreos with her, whatever she wanted. I feel helpless to assist someone who feels a worse kind of helplessness. My heart just keeps breaking for her....

I can't stop thinking about losing hubby or just how my friend might feel. How can she breathe? How much anger for God much she feel? What can myself and all the many other loved ones of hers do to help her be at peace with what has happened???

Strange sidenote. I'm writing this at dusk on my porch and I saw these GIGANTIC moth creatures. Well... looking for closely at how fast their wings were moving and their gravitation to our flowers, I realized they were hummingbirds. Oh pretty, right? Well... yes.... and cool to hear the hum.

But I didn't realize they would come. We have these flowers that only bloom at night. And when the flowers are out they release the sweetest smell that radiated for from it. I always wondered... why at night? Well... looks like the powers that be had a reason.. it's for the hummingbirds.

Everything in life seems to have a reason. I hope we can all find the reason for this tragedy soon enough.

Chrissy, I love you. I hope the tears that I have shed will help lessen the amount you have to. You are in my prayers, and I don't think any of us are given obstacles we don't have the strength to overcome. May you find peace through this chaos...