Thursday, May 20, 2010

Jello Cake

Want to woo me over? Make me this! It's my faaaavorite cake. Always had it for every birthday! it's also good if you add blueberries and strawberries to the top :)

 Heat oven to 350 degrees
 Make a regular yellow cake mix.
 Put in greased and floured cookie sheet.
 Bake about 15 minutes at 350 degrees.
 Disolve 1 box of jello (regular or sugar free) with 1 cup of boiling water.
 Mix well.
 When done take out and poke full of holes with fork
 Spoon hot jello over cake.
 Cool and refrigerate till needed.
 Frost with cool whip when ready to use.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Is it me?

So the title DOES make sense, just not yet. Let's start with a few simple facts:

1. I consider myself agnostic. While I believe that there is SOMETHING powerful that created us somewhere, even if it was a god doing the Big Bang and being like, "Woohoo! Let's see what happens!" or that we were sort of always here, I don't necessarily follow any particular religion, even though I was raised Protestant.
2. To go with Number 1, I find that I no longer (and hterdaaven't for years now) been able to call myself a Christian. I do believe there was a Jesus back in the day. But whether he was divine or not is not something that I can determine, and I just don't have (and really never have had) the faith to make me believe that. Was Jesus one cool dude that helped a lot of people out and obviously gave faith? For sure!
3. I believe in fate. Sort of. I like calling it cause and effect. I would be fascinated to actually go back in time, redo things differently, and see if I COULD end up with the same results! But I don't really believe that could happen. I sort of believe that although we make choices, we make them for a reason (I follow intuition a lot) and that leads us to our fate.

And now more of the real story.

I went to my sister's ordination yesterday (yay Reverend Bethy!!!) and it was just amazing! Having a community there to celebrate this for Beth was actually really moving. Not only that, but one of the pastors spoke about Paul's letters (I think? This is how much I know of the Bible...). And about how everyone has a certain skill they are given for the common good. Her point in the message was that Beth, like Paul states, was one of the few that is given the gift of constant faith. While others wax and wane, she will be there for her community and for the common good to help keep things together in those times, to give out faith when others need it.
So that in itself started to make me tear up a little bit. And then of course, I start thinking hypothetically that if this God is true and Paul was right, I wonder what gift I was given. Empathy was one of my ideas. And then I just started wondering if it is the doubt. If that's something I've been given. I have always said that although I do not necessarily follow a single God (at least not a particular one that society deems credible), I still want to live my life the way any Bible or other noted Holy book tells you too. At least the basic rules. Love they neighbor, don't kill, etc. etc. I hold myself to high morals. But I've never had the faith that accompanies it. 
And maybe that's the way Fate intended it. Maybe there is an exact reason for how I think and feel. Maybe there is no "evil" putting these thoughts in my head or anything. 
I have no idea why I'm on the journey I am. Or if it will lead me anywhere. Or if my thoughts are right. But something hit. Hard. The song following the message was "Here I Am, Lord." Basically the refrain is a person asking what their job in life is and if they can have help along the way. 
Now I've always been one to get emotional to songs. But this song wasn't incredibly. Nice normal hymn harmony, regular organist playing. Nothing special. And it literally took everything in my to not completely break down and start sobbing. Like sobbing. I sang through my voice wavering, my eyes welling up with tears, and everything. My sister was standing with the rest of the clergy, my Mom and Dad were in the pew with me, my other sister and our "adopted" sister were in the pew in front of me. And I felt naked and alone, exposed to everything that I've been trying to find or just understand for so long.

And now I have no idea what to do with it. Not a clue. Was this just something that I needed to understand personally? Is this something that I should be sharing with someone somewhere?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sometimes I wonder...

Will the anger ever go away? The pain?
Everything else is gone. Every feeling of love, like, respect (not sure that was ever there anyway), etc. Even every memory if good times. I literally am unable to think of a single one.

But I can still hear how he would repeat phrases when he was drunk. How he'd accuse me of things. How he'd threaten to break up with me until I was sobbing uncontrollably and from that, how he "hated" that he had to go to such "extremes" to get me to "listen".

I hate hating things. I'm bad at it. I'd rather love. But I know that's not possible with him. Will I ever just forget?
So the last post was about the nightmare that I had earlier this week. Well, my mental response to that was to unblock him, see if I could see if he's still unhappy. Might be immature, might be cruel, although some say I'm going easy on him still, but I just want him to be unhappy for one full year. One year for the 6 years that he mentally fucked with my head and emotions. 6 years of losing every inch of what little self esteem I had. 6 years of apologizing for things that he did wrong. Just one year for that. So I unblock him on Facebook, see that, once again, I do the, "What the hell was I thinking?" to his Facebook profile. See what random comments, few and far between, he's written on mutual friends' walls. And there I see, that although things might be ok, he's still not great. And so I'm content. 
But unfortunately, with FB, you have to wait 48 hours from when you unblock someone to when you can block them again. Mind you, I've done this many times before. Every time anger really gets to me, I end up doing it, even if it's not the healthiest way to cope. Anyway, I told myself that this was going to be the last time. I didn't want to do it again, I really need to just, I guess hope that he's unhappy until all memories of him are finally out of my head or at least settled. But yes, of course the last time I do it is when he notices. And gets upset about it. (Ok yes I AM happy he's upset about it, but still!) I feel like it should just be relief though, and it's not. I'm not happy that he's unhappy. In fact, I still feel just as much anger, if not more, for all the crap he put me through. I keep thinking "Good. I hope this is a decent mind-fuck for you. You messed with my mind for so long, here's a little something for you!"

When does all of this go away? :(

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

For the love of god...

If I have one more dream involving my ex, I'm going to scream. It has left me exhausted, and even more so since it was a dream within a dream!
Anyway, in the "real world" dream, Matt actually lived like 20 minutes from where Douchebag was. And it was horrible, and we hated it (I'm extremely happy the ex is in Singapore and NOT close by, like Matt's ex is to me.)
Anywho, so it was just kind of stressful. Then in the dream I dreamed that I was back together with Douchebag. And that he was treating me like crap once again. We had the weekend together, and he wanted to go to a movie by himself and then buy a new video game to PLAY by himself. Aka I was ignored and tossed to the side.

I at least woke up in the dream and got to talk to Matty about it all, so I'm doing OK this morning, but it's left me drained. I don't have the emotions anymore for Douchebag except for anger. There is still SOOOO much of that left, for what he did to me, how Matt still has to deal with the things that I've basically been "trained" to do in certain situations (like apologize when it's not my fault and there's not need for an apology anyway because it's not a big deal).

Grr. Arg. Well... at least Monday was a good day!

Inspirational message!

Worry and confidence

If you're able to worry, you're also able to be confident. Because from a functional standpoint, worry and confidence are pretty much the same thing.
Worry is the expectation that something negative will happen. Confidence is the expectation that something positive will happen.
How do you create confidence about something that hasn't happened yet? You use the exact same process you would use to create worry.
The big difference between worry and confidence is the expected outcome. And the powerful fact is, you can expect whatever outcome you choose.
There's another way that worry and confidence are quite similar. They both tend to be self-fulfilling prophesies.
So instead of destroying your effectiveness with worry, you can vastly enhance your effectiveness with confidence. It takes nothing more than a simple yet powerful change in your expectations.
-- Ralph Marston

Monday, May 10, 2010

Happy Monday!

I know, weird, right??? It's so strange! Although I had plenty to do Saturday, and SHOULD have cleaned up Sunday (I got the kitchen a bit neater, but didn't work on my room at all, sigh), it was a miserable weekend.
Now don't get me wrong, I had a GREAT time up in the Gettysburg area to do an Adams County Winery tasting and tour. I love my friends, we had a great time, and then a few of us wandered around the battlefields (mostly in the car because my god it was so windy!).
But I couldn't stop missing Matt. I just wanted him there with me to experience it. And it didn't help that he had an "Emmers withdrawal" weekend as well, so we were both frustrated at the distance. Sigh, it's tough when the person that really completes you is across the country. I just keep trying to think of it as training for the dreaded D word. I know that'll be worse, so I try and keep my spirits up. It was just tough this weekend.

But for some reason today, I couldn't be happier. I'm just in this jolly mood and it is beyond amazing! The things that have gotten me down are still there, but aren't weighing on me. I was motivated to start updating my resume and profile on I'm getting work done super fast and efficiently. And I can't get the smile off my face!
Haha, I guess I'm wondering why. Just like I wonder why I get so down sometimes when there really isn't a good reason. Same here! It's a bit confusing. :-p

Either way, what a beautiful day it is. :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A ratchit-fratchit day

Yep. It's one of those. One of those, "If you try to piss me off you will succeed, in fact you probably already have and don't even know why or how, " days. Seriously. There's nothing hugely wrong. But PMS plus third bad nights' sleep in a row from the birds and dreams plus withdrawal since I forgot to bring a patch to work plus blogspot wasn't working when I first wanted to vent on here plus my husband being sexually attracted to Miley Cyrus. Sigh, yea, one of those days.

Note to Matt for when you read this: don't mention Miley when I'm pissy. Always a bad choice! Unless it's in like The Last Song. I love innocent Miley. I do! Slutty Miley..... well she's slutty. 

And illegal. And it bothers me. But I love you Matty! Just don't love Miley AS much. :-p

Yes, I know I'm ridiculous. No worries there. but these hormones and the withdrawal and the random stress is just making it worse! Normally I wouldn't care about any of these things. Today it's like, "Oh! You expect me to take this one more thing on?!?!? Seriously?!?!?!"
I want to be able to run for miles and just go for a long run tonight while blasting the upbeat Lady Antebellum songs on my iPod, followed by lots of push-ups and crunches. Alas, I'll do the latter and add some lunges in there. Maybe I'll do my Tae Bo VHS? 

End rant. Actually it COULD continue, I'm sure I could find more stuff. But it's almost lunchtime. And I already know the disappointment there will be that, once again, they won't have chili. I've only been craving it for months now... thanks, Sodexho...