Sometimes I wonder...

Will the anger ever go away? The pain?
Everything else is gone. Every feeling of love, like, respect (not sure that was ever there anyway), etc. Even every memory if good times. I literally am unable to think of a single one.


But I can still hear how he would repeat phrases when he was drunk. How he'd accuse me of things. How he'd threaten to break up with me until I was sobbing uncontrollably and from that, how he "hated" that he had to go to such "extremes" to get me to "listen".


I hate hating things. I'm bad at it. I'd rather love. But I know that's not possible with him. Will I ever just forget?
So the last post was about the nightmare that I had earlier this week. Well, my mental response to that was to unblock him, see if I could see if he's still unhappy. Might be immature, might be cruel, although some say I'm going easy on him still, but I just want him to be unhappy for one full year. One year for the 6 years that he mentally fucked with my head and emotions. 6 years of losing every inch of what little self esteem I had. 6 years of apologizing for things that he did wrong. Just one year for that. So I unblock him on Facebook, see that, once again, I do the, "What the hell was I thinking?" to his Facebook profile. See what random comments, few and far between, he's written on mutual friends' walls. And there I see, that although things might be ok, he's still not great. And so I'm content. 
But unfortunately, with FB, you have to wait 48 hours from when you unblock someone to when you can block them again. Mind you, I've done this many times before. Every time anger really gets to me, I end up doing it, even if it's not the healthiest way to cope. Anyway, I told myself that this was going to be the last time. I didn't want to do it again, I really need to just, I guess hope that he's unhappy until all memories of him are finally out of my head or at least settled. But yes, of course the last time I do it is when he notices. And gets upset about it. (Ok yes I AM happy he's upset about it, but still!) I feel like it should just be relief though, and it's not. I'm not happy that he's unhappy. In fact, I still feel just as much anger, if not more, for all the crap he put me through. I keep thinking "Good. I hope this is a decent mind-fuck for you. You messed with my mind for so long, here's a little something for you!"


When does all of this go away? :(

For the love of god...

If I have one more dream involving my ex, I'm going to scream. It has left me exhausted, and even more so since it was a dream within a dream!

Anyway, in the "real world" dream, Matt actually lived like 20 minutes from where Douchebag was. And it was horrible, and we hated it (I'm extremely happy the ex is in Singapore and NOT close by, like Matt's ex is to me.)

Anywho, so it was just kind of stressful. Then in the dream I dreamed that I was back together with Douchebag. And that he was treating me like crap once again. We had the weekend together, and he wanted to go to a movie by himself and then buy a new video game to PLAY by himself. Aka I was ignored and tossed to the side.

I at least woke up in the dream and got to talk to Matty about it all, so I'm doing OK this morning, but it's left me drained. I don't have the emotions anymore for Douchebag except for anger. There is still SOOOO much of that left, for what he did to me, how Matt still has to deal with the things that I've basically been "trained" to do in certain situations (like apologize when it's not my fault and there's not need for an apology anyway because it's not a big deal).

Grr. Arg. Well... at least Monday was a good day!

Inspirational message!

Worry and confidence

If you're able to worry, you're also able to be confident. Because from a functional standpoint, worry and confidence are pretty much the same thing.

Worry is the expectation that something negative will happen. Confidence is the expectation that something positive will happen.
How do you create confidence about something that hasn't happened yet? You use the exact same process you would use to create worry.
The big difference between worry and confidence is the expected outcome. And the powerful fact is, you can expect whatever outcome you choose.
There's another way that worry and confidence are quite similar. They both tend to be self-fulfilling prophesies.
So instead of destroying your effectiveness with worry, you can vastly enhance your effectiveness with confidence. It takes nothing more than a simple yet powerful change in your expectations.
-- Ralph Marston

Happy Monday!

I know, weird, right??? It's so strange! Although I had plenty to do Saturday, and SHOULD have cleaned up Sunday (I got the kitchen a bit neater, but didn't work on my room at all, sigh), it was a miserable weekend.
Now don't get me wrong, I had a GREAT time up in the Gettysburg area to do an Adams County Winery tasting and tour. I love my friends, we had a great time, and then a few of us wandered around the battlefields (mostly in the car because my god it was so windy!).
But I couldn't stop missing Matt. I just wanted him there with me to experience it. And it didn't help that he had an "Emmers withdrawal" weekend as well, so we were both frustrated at the distance. Sigh, it's tough when the person that really completes you is across the country. I just keep trying to think of it as training for the dreaded D word. I know that'll be worse, so I try and keep my spirits up. It was just tough this weekend.


But for some reason today, I couldn't be happier. I'm just in this jolly mood and it is beyond amazing! The things that have gotten me down are still there, but aren't weighing on me. I was motivated to start updating my resume and profile on USAJobs.gov. I'm getting work done super fast and efficiently. And I can't get the smile off my face!
Haha, I guess I'm wondering why. Just like I wonder why I get so down sometimes when there really isn't a good reason. Same here! It's a bit confusing. :-p


Either way, what a beautiful day it is. :)

A ratchit-fratchit day

Yep. It's one of those. One of those, "If you try to piss me off you will succeed, in fact you probably already have and don't even know why or how, " days. Seriously. There's nothing hugely wrong. But PMS plus third bad nights' sleep in a row from the birds and dreams plus withdrawal since I forgot to bring a patch to work plus blogspot wasn't working when I first wanted to vent on here plus my husband being sexually attracted to Miley Cyrus. Sigh, yea, one of those days.


Note to Matt for when you read this: don't mention Miley when I'm pissy. Always a bad choice! Unless it's in like The Last Song. I love innocent Miley. I do! Slutty Miley..... well she's slutty. 

And illegal. And it bothers me. But I love you Matty! Just don't love Miley AS much. :-p




Yes, I know I'm ridiculous. No worries there. but these hormones and the withdrawal and the random stress is just making it worse! Normally I wouldn't care about any of these things. Today it's like, "Oh! You expect me to take this one more thing on?!?!? Seriously?!?!?!"
I want to be able to run for miles and just go for a long run tonight while blasting the upbeat Lady Antebellum songs on my iPod, followed by lots of push-ups and crunches. Alas, I'll do the latter and add some lunges in there. Maybe I'll do my Tae Bo VHS? 


End rant. Actually it COULD continue, I'm sure I could find more stuff. But it's almost lunchtime. And I already know the disappointment there will be that, once again, they won't have chili. I've only been craving it for months now... thanks, Sodexho...

I ♥ my MIL

And I feel SO lucky that I can say that and fully mean it! This woman is just amazing. Being a Marine wife herself, she has been so helpful is giving me advice whenever I need it. Here are two of my favorite quotes from her. The first is just from yesterday, when I was telling her my thoughts about whether we should try to live on-base or not and all that jazz. The other was part of her "welcome to the wive's club" type email right after Matt and I got married:


"The bottom line is you will learn as  you go.  Even with growing up in the military and being IN the military, I had a lot to learn about being the wife.  I had a leg up on the jargon, the places we went and the moving thing, but it was still a new world for me.  You are coming in blind, and that too will work itself out in time.  I am always here to talk with.  Stay away from whiners, they are trouble.  Never make Matt choose between you and his job.  He will be home when he can, you know that.  It's not fair to make them feel bad when they have to be away i.e. hurricane 1996 Camp Lejeune I'm at home with a new born and a five year old taping up windows and watching the branches blow off our trees with no power, he had to be at work tying down all the gear and evacuating the beach.  The ones who whine and make their husbands choose, lose their husband or he picks them over the Corps and then resents her the rest of their life, if they manage to stay married. Ok, off the soap box."


"You DO NOT have to join any wives club if you don't want too.  I only joined when we lived on base or Tom was in command.  When Matt gets his first platoon you will want to introduce yourself to the Captains wife.  Since you will be living out of the area don't worry about it when he heads to Lejeune the first time.  Wives clubs are coming back in style.  You will figure it out.  Make sure you are part of "the wife line".  This is where all the really important info comes from.  These are the people who will take you to the doctor, cry with you, laugh with you, bitch about your husbands too.  VERY VERY IMPORTANT.  You want to know that when you are screaming for help 100 people come running.  Girlfriends and direct deposit will keep you sane!!!!I can't stress the importance of girlfriends in the same boat.  It doesn't matter if you are a privates wife or the commandants wife, you will need friends.  So be a good friend and you will have good friends. HOWEVER, DON'T LET ANYONE BULLY OR PUSH YOU AROUND.  IF SOME BITCH ASKS YOU YOUR HUSBANDS DATE OF RANK, WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK.  WIVES HAVE NO RANK!!!!!!! IF SOMEONE TRIES TO BULLY YOU I WILL KICK THEIR ASS!!!!"




She seriously is amazing. Haha a bit blunt, but I love her advice! And it's so nice knowing I can always call her if I need to. :) I can't wait to see her and the rest of Matt's family in Vegas over Memorial Day weekend! Only one month and two days to go!!!!

Let the frugality begin...

You know, I wonder if that's even a word! Anywho, after spending Thursday to Monday down in NC moving Matt in, we both decided that we want me down there ASAP. At first, we had decided for a potential late September move for me, since I budgeted one credit card that we can pay off by then. But now, we want to do it sooner if possible! So both of us are saving up like crazy, trying not to buy anything we don't absolutely need, eating PB sandwiches, etc. to see when that can happen.


And of course today I have cravings for snacks and don't have any at work so I had to go spend another 5 bucks that could have gone to loans for food. Oh well, at least I'm headed to the grocery store tonight to stock up on cheap snacks and whatnot! It's going to be tough doing this, especially since I always find so many amazing things to buy and do during the spring and summer, but it will TOTALLY be worth it. I can't wait until I'm with my love!!!


Any words of advice on ways to save more would be great :)