Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well, see two posts below! I really hate that I don't see myself as others seem to see me. Years of emotional abuse didn't help that!

I really want to rebuild my confidence and whatnot! I'm being way too hard on myself for gaining 15 pounds in the two months I've been here (Mal calls it marriage weight!), but I just can't seem to find the self esteem to love myself with this extra stuff on me! Is a flat stomach really THAT much to ask????

About me in 30 days

My goal is to do this, [stolen from Taryn and Becky] complete it and see how much I can actually be honest about myself in the next 30 days!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I don't see it

Maybe it was because of all those awkward years with the big glasses, braces, permanent part in my hair that wouldn't go away for anything, etc.

Maybe it was Douchebag never telling me I was beautiful unless he was trying to win me back, and me having to beg for ANY opinion if I sent him a picture.

But I have been told today that I am gorgeous, and also that I am "soooooo pretty!"

And I don't see it.

I don't think I'm hideous mind you. But what am I not seeing? Matt tells me all the time how beautiful I am. And I think the inside is. I love the inside. I love love love me. And I love my boobs (they are my joys in life, I feel blessed :)) But the rest of the outside? Don't see it.

Sigh, I wonder if this will EVER change???

Tears

What once was closed up has now been opened... flood gates that is. I go from being insecure about my body and finally crying to hubby about it to then crying in true, heart wrenching pain, for a friend who lost her love this morning in Afghanistan.

I don't know what to tell her other than I'm here for her. I wish she were close enough that I could hug her, cry with her, eat Oreos with her, whatever she wanted. I feel helpless to assist someone who feels a worse kind of helplessness. My heart just keeps breaking for her....

I can't stop thinking about losing hubby or just how my friend might feel. How can she breathe? How much anger for God much she feel? What can myself and all the many other loved ones of hers do to help her be at peace with what has happened???

Strange sidenote. I'm writing this at dusk on my porch and I saw these GIGANTIC moth creatures. Well... looking for closely at how fast their wings were moving and their gravitation to our flowers, I realized they were hummingbirds. Oh pretty, right? Well... yes.... and cool to hear the hum.

But I didn't realize they would come. We have these flowers that only bloom at night. And when the flowers are out they release the sweetest smell that radiated for from it. I always wondered... why at night? Well... looks like the powers that be had a reason.. it's for the hummingbirds.

Everything in life seems to have a reason. I hope we can all find the reason for this tragedy soon enough.

Chrissy, I love you. I hope the tears that I have shed will help lessen the amount you have to. You are in my prayers, and I don't think any of us are given obstacles we don't have the strength to overcome. May you find peace through this chaos...

25...

Well... here it is... the quarter century. The age I used to think was SUPER old when I was like 7. And now I'm it. 25 years old. ACK!!!!

Maybe this is why you're supposed to have things to do on your birthday. To distract you from the fact that another year has some and gone. But WOW, what an AMAZING year!!! (well, the last 11 months of it :-p) Here's a synopsis of events at 24 years old:

Aug 30th: Jacki visited and we had a FABULOUS time!!!

Sept 21st: My time with Douchebag ended. Thank GOD! Miserable couple of days, but so glad to get him out of my life.

Oct 2nd: I walked into the back bar at Nick's Nightclub and Matt stood up to give his seat to Ali. We started talking... then dancing.. then kissing, then I got a ride home from him :)

Oct 3rd: Watched my first Aggie football game. In a bar full of Aggies. And I STILL decided this guy was awesome!!! We spent the night together, him still in jeans because he of COURSE decide to not wear underwear that night (good job, baby!).

Oct 4th: We said our goodbyes, texted and talked while he got stop at Walmart for the field. Then spent the week with zero contact.

Oct 9th: Get the call, he's back from the field, hasn't forgotten about me, and said he thought of me while watching the stars on watch :)

Oct 11th: He was in NYC with Glen the whole weekend, and even though he got in around midnight, he drove up to spend the night with me! The "night" was three hours, mind you.

Oct 14th: We had the DTR and ex-talk... what a night! That was a "Em needs to control her drinking wine on an empty stomach" night. Buuut I remember the talks!!! Just nothing else!

Oct 16th: After me dealing with seeing hoards of douchey AXP brothers right when we first get in, Matt and I go facebook official :-p

Sometime in November: He proposed, while he was kneeling next to me, and we were watching something on my computer.

Jan 31st: We got married, the small ceremony. Big ceremony to come probably December 2011 or January 2012!

Jul 3rd: I finally moved down here, to begin spending the rest of my life with the most amazing man ever!

So yes, it's been a Matt-filled year, and I couldn't be more happy about it! He has made the last year of the first quarter century of my life absolutely amazing :)

So here's to hoping the years to come are just as amazing!!!

Why so emotional???

And luckily, MOST of it is good emotions. We'll start with the one bad thing.

So Hubby has been SUPER stressed the last couple of days before he went into the field, and since I couldn't solve it, it made me insecure that it was me, and then the one text I get in the field from him yesterday was, "Fun fact. The Leonnon's across the street are old friends from A&M." And that's it. No "I love you and miss you." Nothing. And I should be grateful for a text anyway, but I'm like, "HELLOOOOOO, I'm freaking out wondering what's wrong and if it really is me and I only get that?!?!!" Thank you, once again, Douchebag, for ruining my self esteem.

And end the bad emotion!

The good.

My cat is amazing. I'm scared she's getting fat, but seeing her play for legit an hour with her mouse until she lost it under the couch for the umpteenth time and I wouldn't get it for her makes me think she's active enough for her eating habits. And she's asleep in the window and it makes me smile every time I wake up and feel her weight against my legs. I never had a cat before that slept at night with me too much (although I think Izzy did when I was home in NH), so it makes me happy that she loves me so much she will!

I love my family. And I miss them. It was SO good to see some extended family yesterday down at Holden Beach. Not only that, but their friends from college and all the kids (seven total, all under thee age of 8) all made me feel so welcome and not like a stranger at all! I hope I can get to NYC to visit them at some point, and at the very least, I told them I'm going to be the depressed, lonely, husband deployed wife and visit them again next summer (which their daughter, Julia, is already talking about!)

I miss my immediate family too. I'm SOOOOO freaking excited to visit next week! Malorie is giving me a ride to and from the airport (yet another thing I'm awfully happy about, but we'll get to that next) and I'll get to meet my new nephew, Sam, see my parents new place, get a chicken finger sub with very little sauce and extra extra cheese from Supreme's or Romeo's, and try a new type of jello cake!!! I miss them lots, and I hope maybe I'll get to see the other sis too??? Either way, I'm so happy I was able to afford the round trip flight to see them before Christmas!

I love the USMC. Haha well sort of. They piss me off almost non-stop with changes in whatnot (a Marine's wife's motto is "Semper Gumby", meaning "Alway flexible", but at the same time, I have met SO many amazing women in the process already.

Caroline (hehe ANOTHER shoutout!) and Rachael in DC, Mal+Holly+Andrea+Amber+Audrey(soon!)+Tressa+Melissa+Colleen+Jade+Tammy+Tonya+

Maggie+Michelle+Karin+ more and more! Everyone is so friendly and understanding to anything, and everyone just seems to be so genuinely nice, it's awesome. It just makes me smile and tear up, thinking that there are people close should I really need them. And that just like she can do with me, I can text some and be like, "I need to hang out with someone. Commissary trip?" And boom, we're off to find something to cook or just a place to chat! I love it!

And last but not least, I love that I'm loving cooking more. I'm getting more excited to cook new things, try new things, and make things for the hubby. I'm embracing the housewifeness til I can find a job that isn't retail (although I'd do retail once he's deployed for sure) to it's fullest, and I absolutey love getting excited to put something delicious onto the table at night for a tired Lt!

Ok not last. I love Hubby. So freaking much. I randomly smile when I think of how happy I am to have found him. He has habits that make me scream and sigh and stomp, but one look into his deep grey/green/blue/dependsonetheday eyes, and I melt. And he knows a hug can make everything better. :) He knows just what I need almost every time, and goes out of his way (when the USMC allows it, of course) to fix anything or make me smile. And he thinks I'm cute constantly, which is nice too :)

Waiting for lunch, so time for a survey!

Thanks, Molly!

It's 2AM and you are not home. You are more than likely:
Complaining about how tired I am and how I wish I were home in bed!

What's the last thing you spent more than $100 on?
Bedroom set!

What do your bank checks look like?
The generic ones... for now, changing them soon I think!

Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?
Aeropostal.

Name something that will be on your Christmas wish list:
Ionic breeze! Ok probably not, that's a bit too pricey.... hmm, not sure!

What color is your toothbrush?
Purple and white.

Name something you collect and tell us about it.
Disney movies! Matt and I are going to try and get all of the animated classics :)

Last restaurant you ate at. Who were you with? How was it?
Well, this afternoon it'll be Olive Garden with CW girlies. Before that... ummm, somewhere with Matt?

Who was the last person you bought a birthday card for?
Daddy.

What is your worst bad habit?
Biting the skin on the sides of my fingers/nail. It just doesn't grow back right anymore so it's even HARDER to not bite or peel it off!

Name a magazine to which you subscribe?
MIL got me a subscription to Food Network Mag. :)

Your favorite pizza toppings?
Green peppers and hamburg. Or mushrooms. Or sausage. Or hawaiian. Haha it depends on my mood in the end! Lots of cheese it a MUST!

Whose number were you looking up the last time you used a phone book?
OMG I have no idea.

What is the last thing you cooked?
Mac n Cheese with tuna.

Name something you wouldn't want to buy used?
I'd say a bed but I actually did that and am just fine with it... I guess sheets and stuff. It took awhile to even be ok with using the sheets my parents used to use!

Which shoe do you put on first?
I THINK the left... or whichever shoe I pull off the ground first.

In what position do you fall asleep?
Normally my right side.

What is the last thing you remember losing?
Does my mind count? Yea I'm going with that, since it happens every morning before I put the patch on! Although I was much better today, very proud of myself. :)

What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
The futon I'd say.

Last thing you bought and ended up returning?
Need to return the dryer outlet cord.

What perfume/cologne do you wear? If none, why?
I don't wear it often, but I switch it up between a bunch of Gap scents (Grass is the best!), Ralph, Cool Water, Heavenly, some Avon one and some Estee Lauder one.

Your favorite board game?
Chutes and Ladders!!! Or Monopoly. And Apples to Apples is awesome too!

What was the last board game you played?
What Would You Do? ... I think...

Where did your vehicle come from?
MIL and FIL, Colorado.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Afternoon. I need loads of sleep to have any energy it seems, so I'm grumpy in the morning and exhausted at night. But the afternoon I'm ready and rearing to go!

You're sad, who can cheer you up easily?
Matt. A kiss and hug from him can always make me feel better! Or Caroline and her sarcastic comments. I kind of can't get enough!

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
Blue.

What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
Sweeping and mopping. Ugh I need to do that soon...

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
In a Chipotle burrito. Or chicken with wine!

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is?
Jello cake, since I don't like any others!