Letter to the ex

Never to send to him. Not for him to read. But perhaps to help me sort through things a little in my head, which has, actually, unfortunately, become a safe haven for emotions such as hurt and anger to hide, to be blanketed like a sick child in a down comforter with chicken noodle soup, orange popsicles, and their favorite show playing endlessly on the tv. It's like discovering halfway through the day that the child is not as sick as you thought. That the best remedy would be to be outside. Let the sun heal a little.

And if that makes any sense, then good on ya for understanding!!!!

So here it goes:

Dear Douchebag (that's right, you don't deserve the correct name usage):

There were many hurtful things that you did to me throughout our on and off 6 year relationship together. I was verbally berated when you were drinking. If I were upset about anything, even if it didn't have to do with you, I was "taking it out" on you, putting the blame on you, wanting you to fix things, and therefore a very weak person. You told me I shouldn't cry as much when you were the one causing the tears. You chose drugs and alcohol and frat brothers over me countless times. You never defended me when your "buddies" insulted me to the point of me tearing up. You defended those "buddies" if I insulting them, saying, "You insult one of my brothers, then you insult ME." You went on an on about how horrible a person your dad is, with his drinking problems, how he treated your mom, how he treats YOU; and then every day that passed I'd see more of the emotional abuser you portrayed him as in you. And one of the worst things was that you cheated on me. Twice. While I was abroad in Australia, staying true to you, defending you endlessly when the guys that wanted me said you had probably already cheated on me. "No, he's different than that," I would say over and over again. And you lied to me. My gut told me something was up. After I found the condoms in your loft when I got back from Oz. After you told me that it would be ok for me to make out with a guy at a bar in front of you. After, because of saying that, I asked if you had simply kissed anyone while I was abroad. The painful pause. How you seemed to have to spit out "No".

But that wasn't the worst. Yes, I'm still dealing with that pain. I still break down when a good friend tells me her husband is having an affair. I finally got some of the anger and hurt out that night when I called my husband, sobbing, wondering how people can do that to someone else, whether they are still in love with them or not. Whether alcohol was involved or not.

No. The worst is that you expected hunky dorey after. I told you it would take awhile to gain back trust. That I needed to see the changes; not just in fidelity, but also in your ability to control your emotions while drunk, deal with the emotional issues that you gave me, etc. I needed you to earn the trust back.

I regret very few things in life. One of those is telling you that I forgave you for the cheating. You took it as an easy out. As a, "Well she forgave me, so she must trust me." I TOLD you it would take awhile. Not just a few weeks. But months of knowing you think I'm beautiful [that ended the second we became official again]. Of having enough communication that you wouldn't flip if I asked who one of your friends was [I think I got an answer once without you thinking I was hounding you for answers and invading your privacy]. Of me being able to come to you when the hurt came back [Yea that one NEVER happened. It always turned into something about you, instead of something I was feeling].

You taught me how to keep my emotions inside.

My husband tells me every day I'm beautiful. Because of you, most days I am unable to even fathom it.

I'm reluctant to ask questions about hubby's life, because I'm still terrified that he'll have some sort of freak out. That it's normal to be sensitive and touchy when it comes to details that SHOULD be shared in an intimate relationship.

We went out for hubby's birthday, and I was in a panic attack the whole night, wondering what names I'd be called, how he'd verbally assault me when HE was drunk.

The one good thing? He's AMAZING with all of it. He didn't cause this pain on me. He knows that. I know that. And I know that he wouldn't do this to me. And it doesn't bother him to prove that every day to me.

I just hate that he has to do it more. Because of you. That he has to wake up to a phone call from me sobbing and dying for his touch and comfort and soothing words. Because of you. That he has to deal with a woman who shies away from the word beautiful. Because of you. That just wants all of this anger and hurt to go away, to be done with. because. of. you.

I hate that I wish you the worst. That I want you to be miserable. That even after the pitiful emails and voicemails you sent me, I know that was the third time I'd gotten things like that. That you don't really change. I hate that there is another woman out there who might have to go through what I went through if you decide to put your charm on her.

I hate that I can read an article at work, about how two people DID make things work, where

"Equally important was his willingness to apologize. 'I'm sorry' is a remarkably powerful phrase when it comes from the heart.

'You can just keep on saying that,' I told him. 'Over and over, whenever you feel it.' And he did."

And the floodgates get turned on. Knowing that you weren't really sorry. That you didn't keep saying it. That you never tried.

I'm just glad that I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Who will never have to be put in that position; but if he were, I wouldn't hear another phrase from him for weeks and weeks. (But he wouldn't. He knows that I learned from you that taking back someone who will do that to me is a bad idea for me.)

Wishing you the worst,

The woman that never will be yours ever again

And yea. No idea if that helped. But I hope it did. I just want the anger and hurt gone. There's SO much happiness in me now because of Hubby and friends. People have said they've never seen me smile so much and so sincerely (added that part in because I became good at smiling behind the pain... it DOES look different!). So why can't it just go away? What will it take? Just time? I feel like I need to cry it out, but it's like my mind keeps trying to protect me from feeling it. Ugh, that douchebag had me trained pretty well to try and hide my fears...

**Just continued to read the article (here) and this quote kind of stuck...

This kind of thing happened a lot: Some out-of-the-blue realization—some piece of the puzzle I'd somehow missed—would, out of nowhere, just stun me. Each time this happened, I went spiraling down into a three- or four-day depression. After a while, it occurred to me that maybe my mind was parceling out the pain, because I never could have handled it all at once.

Change

I love it. But hate it. Ugh it's the horrible back and forth constantly.

Here is the good and bad of change going through my head at the moment with moving in a little over two weeks:

Good:

- I get to be with my husband FINALLY. I can't wait til the only reason he doesn't fall asleep next to me is because he's in the field, and come May on that horrible D word.

- We're going to adopt a cat to keep me company when he's gone! I've missed having a pet soooooo much!

- I get to play housewife for a bit, and hopefully overcome my fear of cooking bad meals... which doesn't make sense because I'm actually really good at mixing things and how things taste (I make a killer homemade mac n cheese).

- I'll finally be staying somewhere for a bit. It was moving every year in college, 7ish months at my friend's parents' place, two years at an apartment, and since sept 26th at the house I'm at now. AND when we move again we can have the mover's do almost all of it!

- I'll be living in one of the most gorgeous states. I LOOOOOVE NC so much! And did I mention how close the beach is???

- Even though I won't have a job, I also won't be paying rent on a place, paying utilities, dealing with roommates that lose the checks so I wait and wait for hundreds of dollars over a couple months to come out of my checking account...

The bad:

- It's a change. And as much as I love it, I'm anxious about all the "what ifs" that come with moving and settling in.

- We are going to be down to one paycheck for a bit. And yes, we can survive definitely, but it's going to take a bit to figure out our spending budget.

- I'm going to have to drive everywhere. I've gotten so used to walking or metroing places!

- I'm scared for the job search again. I know it's not easy, and I'll be able to take my time getting something I really want (cross your fingers it involves animals!), but the uncertainty is going to kill me.

- The guys are already telling Matt that they should all just hang out at our house after work since we live on base. I won't mind doing it every once in awhile, but no way is our house going to be the 2nd LAR frat house!

- And yea. It's just the change. It's the packing up of boxes and EVERY TIME I close it up I find one freaking item that should have gone in there!

And that's about it. I'm definitely more excited than anything else, but the anxiety parts are coming in little brain freakout moments, it seems! I just can't wait to be down there and get settled. And go furniture shopping. And decorate. And yell at Matt for leaving something open or throwing laundry where it doesn't belong. I'm beyond excited to be with that man. :) ♥

Tired

And I really want to post about something I've been grateful for recently, but I'm too damned tired to get thoughts together well. So this is a friendly reminder to myself. To blog about what people are saying about me. Woot!

And on another random note, I love how a random quick less than one minute phone call from Matty when he's at work can make my entire afternoon just amazing. :) I love that man!

Jello Cake

Want to woo me over? Make me this! It's my faaaavorite cake. Always had it for every birthday! it's also good if you add blueberries and strawberries to the top :)


 Heat oven to 350 degrees
 Make a regular yellow cake mix.
 Put in greased and floured cookie sheet.
 Bake about 15 minutes at 350 degrees.
 Disolve 1 box of jello (regular or sugar free) with 1 cup of boiling water.
 Mix well.
 When done take out and poke full of holes with fork
 Spoon hot jello over cake.
 Cool and refrigerate till needed.
 Frost with cool whip when ready to use.

Is it me?

So the title DOES make sense, just not yet. Let's start with a few simple facts:


1. I consider myself agnostic. While I believe that there is SOMETHING powerful that created us somewhere, even if it was a god doing the Big Bang and being like, "Woohoo! Let's see what happens!" or that we were sort of always here, I don't necessarily follow any particular religion, even though I was raised Protestant.
2. To go with Number 1, I find that I no longer (and hterdaaven't for years now) been able to call myself a Christian. I do believe there was a Jesus back in the day. But whether he was divine or not is not something that I can determine, and I just don't have (and really never have had) the faith to make me believe that. Was Jesus one cool dude that helped a lot of people out and obviously gave faith? For sure!
3. I believe in fate. Sort of. I like calling it cause and effect. I would be fascinated to actually go back in time, redo things differently, and see if I COULD end up with the same results! But I don't really believe that could happen. I sort of believe that although we make choices, we make them for a reason (I follow intuition a lot) and that leads us to our fate.


And now more of the real story.


I went to my sister's ordination yesterday (yay Reverend Bethy!!!) and it was just amazing! Having a community there to celebrate this for Beth was actually really moving. Not only that, but one of the pastors spoke about Paul's letters (I think? This is how much I know of the Bible...). And about how everyone has a certain skill they are given for the common good. Her point in the message was that Beth, like Paul states, was one of the few that is given the gift of constant faith. While others wax and wane, she will be there for her community and for the common good to help keep things together in those times, to give out faith when others need it.
So that in itself started to make me tear up a little bit. And then of course, I start thinking hypothetically that if this God is true and Paul was right, I wonder what gift I was given. Empathy was one of my ideas. And then I just started wondering if it is the doubt. If that's something I've been given. I have always said that although I do not necessarily follow a single God (at least not a particular one that society deems credible), I still want to live my life the way any Bible or other noted Holy book tells you too. At least the basic rules. Love they neighbor, don't kill, etc. etc. I hold myself to high morals. But I've never had the faith that accompanies it. 
And maybe that's the way Fate intended it. Maybe there is an exact reason for how I think and feel. Maybe there is no "evil" putting these thoughts in my head or anything. 
I have no idea why I'm on the journey I am. Or if it will lead me anywhere. Or if my thoughts are right. But something hit. Hard. The song following the message was "Here I Am, Lord." Basically the refrain is a person asking what their job in life is and if they can have help along the way. 
Now I've always been one to get emotional to songs. But this song wasn't incredibly. Nice normal hymn harmony, regular organist playing. Nothing special. And it literally took everything in my to not completely break down and start sobbing. Like sobbing. I sang through my voice wavering, my eyes welling up with tears, and everything. My sister was standing with the rest of the clergy, my Mom and Dad were in the pew with me, my other sister and our "adopted" sister were in the pew in front of me. And I felt naked and alone, exposed to everything that I've been trying to find or just understand for so long.




And now I have no idea what to do with it. Not a clue. Was this just something that I needed to understand personally? Is this something that I should be sharing with someone somewhere?

Sometimes I wonder...

Will the anger ever go away? The pain?
Everything else is gone. Every feeling of love, like, respect (not sure that was ever there anyway), etc. Even every memory if good times. I literally am unable to think of a single one.


But I can still hear how he would repeat phrases when he was drunk. How he'd accuse me of things. How he'd threaten to break up with me until I was sobbing uncontrollably and from that, how he "hated" that he had to go to such "extremes" to get me to "listen".


I hate hating things. I'm bad at it. I'd rather love. But I know that's not possible with him. Will I ever just forget?
So the last post was about the nightmare that I had earlier this week. Well, my mental response to that was to unblock him, see if I could see if he's still unhappy. Might be immature, might be cruel, although some say I'm going easy on him still, but I just want him to be unhappy for one full year. One year for the 6 years that he mentally fucked with my head and emotions. 6 years of losing every inch of what little self esteem I had. 6 years of apologizing for things that he did wrong. Just one year for that. So I unblock him on Facebook, see that, once again, I do the, "What the hell was I thinking?" to his Facebook profile. See what random comments, few and far between, he's written on mutual friends' walls. And there I see, that although things might be ok, he's still not great. And so I'm content. 
But unfortunately, with FB, you have to wait 48 hours from when you unblock someone to when you can block them again. Mind you, I've done this many times before. Every time anger really gets to me, I end up doing it, even if it's not the healthiest way to cope. Anyway, I told myself that this was going to be the last time. I didn't want to do it again, I really need to just, I guess hope that he's unhappy until all memories of him are finally out of my head or at least settled. But yes, of course the last time I do it is when he notices. And gets upset about it. (Ok yes I AM happy he's upset about it, but still!) I feel like it should just be relief though, and it's not. I'm not happy that he's unhappy. In fact, I still feel just as much anger, if not more, for all the crap he put me through. I keep thinking "Good. I hope this is a decent mind-fuck for you. You messed with my mind for so long, here's a little something for you!"


When does all of this go away? :(

For the love of god...

If I have one more dream involving my ex, I'm going to scream. It has left me exhausted, and even more so since it was a dream within a dream!

Anyway, in the "real world" dream, Matt actually lived like 20 minutes from where Douchebag was. And it was horrible, and we hated it (I'm extremely happy the ex is in Singapore and NOT close by, like Matt's ex is to me.)

Anywho, so it was just kind of stressful. Then in the dream I dreamed that I was back together with Douchebag. And that he was treating me like crap once again. We had the weekend together, and he wanted to go to a movie by himself and then buy a new video game to PLAY by himself. Aka I was ignored and tossed to the side.

I at least woke up in the dream and got to talk to Matty about it all, so I'm doing OK this morning, but it's left me drained. I don't have the emotions anymore for Douchebag except for anger. There is still SOOOO much of that left, for what he did to me, how Matt still has to deal with the things that I've basically been "trained" to do in certain situations (like apologize when it's not my fault and there's not need for an apology anyway because it's not a big deal).

Grr. Arg. Well... at least Monday was a good day!