How to even explain...

So most of the time, I feel normal. Haha ok well I'm strange so not really normal per se, but most moments when I say, "I love you," to Matt, it's normal. Not said without feeling, just the normal amount of love, I guess.

Well I don't know where it comes from.

I never know when to expect it.

But there end up being moments, like yesterday,

Where the feeling becomes so overwhelming it's hard to even describe.

It's like the best drug ever is ripping through my blood vessels at high speeds.

Like I can't breathe, because I mean really, who wants air in your lungs when they're filled with love??

Like holding onto him as tight as I can cannot bring him close enough to me.

And it's amazing! Just kind of indescribable. I was telling Matt yesterday that it was one of those "Love can't even begin to describe how I feel" days.

Because loving him;

Being so grateful for him in my life;

Not knowing if I should be thanking a God, Fate, or Luck;

And seeing that love back...

Well it sure does make for one happy girl over here. :)

Hmmm. Maybe that's it. It sounds strange, but I'm very agnostic with my views on whether or not there is a higher power up there. I sort of believe that there is. I think of it as more energy though, whether it comes from a human-like "made us from His image" God, or just... well, like when there is a huge group of little flowers following the wind over a grassy knoll.

Anyway. When I get these extreme emotions. It almost feels - and I'm hoping this doesn't insult anyone's religious views - Holy. 

Like that energy is flowing through Matt and me.

Like the connections made when Lyra touches her love's Daemon in The Amber Spyglass.

Like there's a voice whispering, "You found it. This is him. This is real. This is your soulmate."

Whatever it's called, I love it!!! And I'm so grateful to be able to have that feeling for someone else. :)

Body Awareness

I was telling my roommate about how my left foot tends to cramp super easily around the arch, and how I don't like to run because my knee caps don't fit right into place, and he just looks at me confused and goes, "How the hell do you even remember that stuff? If I'm sore I stretch and take care of it, and don't remember it an hour later."


So how DO I remember these things? I find that I am aware of pain, discomfort, and even good feelings more than other people sometimes. I can tell you exactly where on my body something hurts (like one of the tendons it feels like on the right side of my calf/shin area on my right leg. Totally walked on THAT one wrong I guess), and I'm great at recognizing symptoms and whatnot.


I've been accused in the past of being a hypochondriac (the brilliant ex thought that because my back would hurt or I'd get sore from exercising that that made me a hypochondriac too. Go figure. He's not the brightest tool in the box for sure.) But I don't go to the doctor's all that often. Sometimes I'll email my doc and say, "Hey, I have this symptom/feeling, is it nothing or something I should get checked out?" and that's that, nothing else. Yet when I had to go to the ER for what I thought was a reaction from a Staph infection (although the doc didn't believe me that it was Staph and not MRSA either, which I knew both were the case because of where I got it) in my toe, it turned out it was an allergic reaction to the Sulfa meds they gave me. Even though I told her it wasn't MRSA. AND that I was developing an allergy to Sulfa. Supposedly because I didn't have a rash beforehand last time I took it though, then I CLEARLY was an idiot patient, had no idea what I was talking about, and going from being able to take it on an empty stomach to it not mattering how much food was in my stomach before I got sick with it, was JUST a side effect, not an allergy developing. I wanted to smack her when I had to go to Urgent Care for the HIVES I got all over my body that time!


So now my Sulfa allergy is on my medical record. Great. But why couldn't they just believe me? I do realize there are hypochondriacs out there and such, but I wasn't asking for something to fix something, I was simply saying "anything but Sulfa, I'm developing an allergy," and I still wasn't believed! 


So does this great awareness that I have with my body actually constitute a good sense? Or would I be better off simply feeling less and understanding less about it? Will I always have to have something really bad happen to me or have a reaction to something for someone to believe me?


Just some thoughts on this rainy day. :) Praying the week goes quickly, I cannot WAIT to see my Matty on Saturday!!!!!!

Oh. My. God.

It is SOOOO gorgeous outside! Sunny, in the 70s, could life get any better? Well, hubby could be home, but besides that, everything is perfect! Minus the spider bite I got last night. But it's looking better, so at least it wasn't a recluse!


I took a walk to the ABC store to grab some fun drinks for tonight, then stopped at Smoothie King for the best chocolate banana malt. Now it's just relaxing and getting rid of this caffeine headache until tonight, which will be spent with friends. :)


Ahhhh, loving life!!!

Quick explanation

Figured I might want to just explain my blog name. Emmers=nickname, obviously.
The ratchit fratchit actually came from my sister, Beth. She worked in a day care awhile back, and to get these kids to NOT swear, they'd have them say "ratchit fratchit!" to express any frustration or anger!


Soooo, that's how it started, I just hope this blog isn't just rants, life's too good for that. :)

The return...

Wow, it's been a long time!!! So much has changed since my last post.

First off, that guy in the cowboy hat? He's now my husband. He is anything and everything I could have ever dreamed of in a man and more... and he's mine. :)

So here's the catch-up on us. After that wonderful weekend together, Matt, who was still in TBS at Quantico, had to go into the field for the week. Zero communication. Nothing. I knew this was coming, so it wasn't a shocker, but it was still tough! I couldn't get this guy off my mind. I kept tasting his kisses, feeling his arms around me, dreaming of his smile, sweet sweet voice, and thatfeeling I got as he pulled me in from a turn on the dance floor. Turns out that was my "love at first sight".

Side note: There are three sayings I never believed in before Matt

1. "Love at first sight"
2. "When you know, you know."
3. "You'll find him when you're not looking for him."

And all came true the first night I met him! Go figure. :-p

So anywho, I guess right after he got back onto base and showered, he called! Told me that thoughts of me kept him going while he was on fire watch, etc. We didn't get to spend that weekend together, since he was headed up to NYC with his friend, Glenn, to meet up with said Glenn's wife and their family. He kept telling me he wished he could be with me, and considering the amount of drama he went through while he was there, that was understandable. We texted NON-STOP though. All the little questions: favorite movie; favorite book; favorite fast food place (we BOTH said wendys with taco bell being a close second); favorite sandwich; vacation spot, etc.

It was amazing! This man who I spent less than 48 hours with turns out to be more and moreperfect for me. It was a long weekend away from him, for sure, but the texting and calling when he could manage just kept making me smile. Giddy school girl for SURE.

They left NYC later than planned that Sunday, and of COURSE hit the max amount of trafficcoming back to base. He drove the whole way though, upset that he was planning on coming up and taking me out to dinner or something. Well, they got back around midnight. And he was at my door by 1am just to come and sleep. :)

From there on out, every time he could get up here from base, he was here. Haha, actually when he was in NYC he texted me going, "I just called you my girlfriend to Glenn (said friend). He said I should ask you if I can say that yet." I told him "Sure, but I'm not saying it til we have a DTR! I always wanted to do one of those!" (for those who don't know, a DTR is "determine the relationship") Well less than two weeks later (we planned to have the DTR along with the "ex-talk" [since both of us had crazy past relationships] that weekend), on a Wednesday, I did a happy hour on an empty stomach. Only three glasses of wine... that were filled to the BRIM... Matt came up that night and I was blackout. I didn't remember the things we did except for a few brief seconds. But something happened after and it broke up a lot of shit from the ex (at this point, it was Oct. 14th, only three and half weeks since the emotional abuser ended things). Soooo we had the DTR and ex-talk right then and there! And amazingly I remember it! Nothing after either, but I remember the important stuff, go me! We still count our anniversary though as October 2nd when we met, since we were both together right away, two peas in a pod. :)

From there, things just continued to get better. Lots of calling, texting, visiting, dates and dinner, etc. His friends love me, I love his friends, he loves my friends and they love him, and I got to have dinner with his parents when they came for TBS graduation. Let me say nervous! I was terrified to meet these two people, but they were absolutely amazing, and his mom and I were doing "Miss Congeniality" quotes and cracking up by the end of dinner. They told Matt later on that they knew right after meeting me that we were meant to be. :)

So some time in November, I WISH I had written the date somewhere, we were just hanging out in my room. I was sitting here at the computer doing something, he was kneeling down next to me, and we were laughing about something. All of a sudden, he looks up at me, super serious, and goes, "Will you marry me?"

Wow.

We had, strangely enough for such a small time time, talked about marriage a little bit, kids, etc. But after a 6 year relationship where that was the last thing I knew I'd hear any time soon, I was shocked! In a good way. All I managed to get out was "Mmmhmm". I wonder what my face looked like actually... Anyway, later that night he goes, "You know I meant what I asked you earlier." So I said straight back to him, "I meant what I said. Oh yea and 'Mmmhmm' means 'Yes!'"

So that was that, we were "technically engaged" as I like to put it!

Christmas came and went, both of us with our respective families, and then we had an amazing week for New Years in a cabin in TN with his friends from A&M for a "Couple's Retreat". So relaxing, so good to have before we knew crazy IOC would start on January 3rd. Now I'm not sure if it was before IOC started or after, but something happened that I guess I responded well to -I think it's because I wasn't upset when he called at like 11:30 at night when I was already in bed for like two hours saying he was at my front door- because as we're lying in bed spooning, he says to me, "You know, if I hadn't already asked you to marry me, I would have tonight. I love you so much, Emily, and I want you forever." So sweet. :)

And IOC came. And it's ALMOST done thank GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

And they have their first few days in the field. Matt gets back from the field. Matt calls me. And all he says is, "Ok, so I have to run and get some stuff done so I can't talk long yet, but I was wondering how you'd feel about getting married soon. Like next weekend if we can soon. I'll call back in like an hour, just think about it."

Wow.

Once again, SHOCKED!

Guess he decided that he wanted to do it while we were both still in the same state (he's headed down to Camp Lejeune, NC after IOC), and this way we could use BAH to start paying down our (well, mostly mine unfortunately) debt sooner. And he really wanted to marry me and didn't want to wait. Haha I hope that was a factor!

So we got married two weekends after that conversation, I believe. I found out MD only needs one person to apply for the marriage license, so I went up with a friend and got it done, since no way was Matt getting off early enough on any weekday to do it in VA! And we were married January 31, 2010. In a coworkers living room. And another coworker officiated the ceremony. And it was perfect! We still want a big ceremony, so we left out major vows, cake-to-face smushing, etc., but it was the happiest day of my life. My cheeks were hurting from smiling so much!

So here I am now, a married woman. :) And if you ask me how married life is, may God save you, because for me it's still the same! Matt's in Cali in the field right now, and I'm not going to be heading down to Lejeune with him for awhile, to maintain my job and pay down my debt and also have my support system here through the first deployment. So he's going to be a "geographical bachelor", as they call it in the Marine Corps. :-p

And that's life for me. Super excited for my second nephew to be born, super excited for my other sister to be officially ordained on May 15th. Just love every aspect of life! If things get better than this, I may die of happiness, just a fair warning!

wow

"Tell me please
Is this really happening to me?
Turn on the lights
Could you pinch me, shake me, scream at me loud
'Cause for my life
I couldn't tell you if I'm kissin' you nowI just don't know."


wow. seriously. amazing how one weekend can change everything!!!! i'm amazed by everything in life right now. who knew the sky was so blue :)
i'm thinking that my karma may have come to me... in a cowboy hat... hmmmm

Meditation

At Phillips Exeter Academy, where I spent an amazing four years of high school, each student is required to write a "meditation" paper in their English class Senior Year. I always found it hard to find topics (especially personal ones, as meditations are) for long papers, and this one was no exception. So I wrote about something that was extremely personal to me: my fear of crying.

It was nothing I could explain, and that made the paper so hard to write. As if the fear of crying also brought on the fear of talking about the fear! The only thing I knew was that I could cry, sob, bawl, etc. to movies, books, T.V. shows, and anything that was not real life. Then the flood gates could be opened, and I could get some emotional release. But confronted with a real situation, one that hurt me, scared me, frustrated me to the very inside of my being, and there I would lay on my bed, hugging my teddy bear Henry, scrunching my face up, praying for tears to come. The few times I did find release, the result was not what I expected: sisters telling me to grow up and that I was wrong; a best friend turning her back because she didn't know what to do; self-shame building up because I didn't think the crying was warranted.



So here I am, 7 years later, confronted with the opposite problem, it seems. I tear up to the simplest of means, I crave that emotional release. At least in certain situations. And although I know there were many deep seated issues, the ex-boyfriend blamed that for the ruin of our relationship once again. "You need to grow up. Be an adult. I can honestly say I don't know any other 24 year old that cries as much as you do. I even know people much younger than you that don't cry that much."
Some of the last words he said to me. That I will ever let him say to me. While he lectured me on my choice of emotional relief, I tried so hard to stifle the sobs, letting my chest pump up and down instead of releasing the loud, deep breaths, tears silently making their trail down my cheeks, to my neck, and meeting their end on my pillow.
Was it actually too much crying? Was it just him? Do I need to find a medium?
The fear is returning, and that in itself makes more fear. I don't want to return to the frustration of a seemingly chronic case of "dry-eye". I spent a good 5 days simply crying after he ended things that night. Sobs so deep my toes hurt from the pressure; tears so frequent I stopped trying to dry them, cries so loud I was positive the neighbors could hear. And every time I thought, "Please make it stop. Make the pain stop. I don't want to cry anymore." And that has remained. Since those intial few days, the crying has almost felt forced when I've needed it. Unpacking at the new house, I found pictures of us that I had packed before the End. Legs weak, fallen to the ground, I forced the tears, the deep sobs, trying so desperately to get the pain out of me.

Am I back to where I was? To the forcing? To the fear of what others' opinions will be?
I'm told "When you find the right guy, he won't make you cry (or at least not a lot), and he will help you through every time you do." Is that true? Or is the damage done?
This End is going to scar. And what is that scar tissue heals over fresh, necessary life?


To Be Continued... Gotta say, talking about this is just as hard to express as it was 7 years ago!